News from the frontlines of stupidity
Trenton, NJ: George Washington announced today that he’d be scaling back the offensive against the British during the election season for the Virginia House of the Burgesses.
Washington DC: Abraham Lincoln indicated he was holding off on the siege of Vicksburg, till after Election Day, to spare the country more reports of bloody battlefields during this critical time when polls indicate his challenger has closed to 2% behind in the polls.
Warm Springs, GA: President Franklin D. Roosevelt spent his 143rd day of time off at his favorite vacation spot, where he attacked his opponent as being too soft on the Filipinos. “But that’s preposterous!” retorted Wendell Wilkie, “the Filipinos never attacked us and had no weapons to reach us!”
Roosevelt coolly replied, “See? He doesn’t even recognize that everything changed after Pearl Harbor. After 15 months of investigation, we’ve determined that the Filipino President would have tried to build an aircraft carrier someday and then it’d be too late to stop him with our 9,542 aircraft carriers.”
Boston, MA: The PT-Boat Veterans For Truth attacked John F. Kennedy’s war record in a new video today. Though Kennedy recieved medals for bravery after pulling a crewmate to safety with a lifejacket strap in his teeth, the ad indicated that swimming 3-1/2 miles was no big whoop, since others swam the 21-mile English Channel previously, and that his broken back wasn’t as severe as it would have been if it had broken at a slightly lower vertebrae.
October 12th, 2004 at 4:55 am
Um, FDR’s opponent in 1944, the election held while the US was in World War II, wasn’t Willkie; it was New York state governor Thomas Dewey.
Indeed, if you use Willkie in this piece of otherwise amusing pastiche, you leave yourself open to some pretty stinging rebukes from the other side.
October 12th, 2004 at 5:53 am
You nailed it! Stop the bad news so I can get reelected! What are the troops thinking at this point. It’s all a show, curtain, lights? Good post…You got my juices flowing now…the Freak