[Excerpts from the classic Spanish novel El cruzado ingenuo Don Arbusto de Coahuila y Tejas:]

In a village of Coahuila y Tejas, the name of which I have no desire to call to mind, there lived not long since one of those gentlemen that keep a double-barrel in the gun-rack, an old Guard uniform, a customized SUV, and a Bluetick hound for coon hunting. …

You must know, then, that the above-named gentleman whenever he was at leisure (which was mostly all the year round) gave himself up to reading Tijuana bibles about The Crusades with such ardour and avidity that he almost entirely neglected the pursuit of his field-sports, and even the management of his property….

But of all there were none he liked so well as those of Our Lady of New Canaan’s advice not to be punctilious, but to carpet-bomb the foe’s cities and kill civilians. …

Over conceits of this sort the poor gentleman lost his wits, and used to lie awake striving to understand them and worm the meaning out of them….

In short, his wits being quite gone, … he fancied it was right and requisite … that he should make a knight-errant of himself….

——————–

“What WMDs?” said Colcho Powelza.

“Those thou seest there,” answered his master, “with the uranium from Niger, and the aluminum tubes for centrifuges to enrich it.”

“Look, your worship,” said Colcho; “what we see there are not WMDs but trailers for making hydrogen for weather balloons, and what seem to be enrichment tubes are the frames for conventional missiles.”

“It is easy to see,” replied Don Arbusto, “that thou art not used to this business of adventures; those are WMDs; and if thou art afraid, away with thee out of this and betake thyself to prayer while I engage them in fierce and unequal combat.”

———————

Colcho hastened to his assistance as fast as his ass could go, and when he came up found him unable to move….

“God bless me!” said Colcho, “did I not tell your worship to mind what you were about, for they were only weather balloons?” …

“Hush, friend Colcho,” replied Don Arbusto, “the fortunes of war more than any other are liable to frequent fluctuations; and moreover I think, and it is the truth, that that sage Osama … has turned these WMDs into hydrogen gas trailers in order to rob me of the glory of vanquishing them, such is the enmity he bears me; but in the end his wicked arts will avail but little against my good sword.”

———————

“Don’t be in such a hurry to know all this, Alma,” said Colcho; “it is enough that I am telling you the truth … there is nothing in the world more delightful than to be a person of consideration, squire to a knight-errant, and a seeker of adventures. To be sure most of those one finds do not end as pleasantly as one could wish, for out of a hundred, ninety-nine will turn out cross and contrary. I know it by experience, for out of some I came blanketed, and out of others belaboured.” …

While this conversation passed between Colcho Powelza and his wife, Don Arbusto’s housekeeper and niece took him in and undressed him and laid him in his old bed. He eyed them askance, and could not make out where he was. The curate charged his niece to be very careful to make her uncle comfortable and to keep a watch over him lest he should make his escape from them again, telling her what they had been obliged to do to bring him home. On this the pair once more lifted up their voices and renewed their maledictions upon the books of Crusades, and implored heaven to plunge the authors of such lies and nonsense into the midst of the bottomless pit.