Recently I went to see the movie Kinsey at the local movie theater. Living in a small Midwestern town, I wasn’t shocked that the theater was pretty empty. I was shocked, however, when one of the few couples in attendance stormed angrily out of the theater mid-movie. They seemed surprised at the frank sexuality of the film. Let me repeat that: They were surprised that sex was discussed in a movie called “Kinsey.” K-I-N-S-E-Y. I’m certain that these people were old enough to know who Dr. Alfred Kinsey was. The nature of this movie could not have been clearer if it were titled “Sex, Sex, More Sex, and Still More Sex.”

You’d think that in this day and age where we have both vigilant self-appointed morality police and broadband Internet access, there would be some way to let these poor misguided movie-goers know which films are appropriate for their tender sensibilities and which movies make the baby Jesus cry in horror. Turns out, there is.

Enter James Dobson and his posse of movie critics. I can’t believe I haven’t discovered the entertainment jack-pot that is the Focus on the Family Movie Review before now. These reviews look at a number of aspects of each film, including Positive Elements, Spiritual Content, Sexual Content, Violent Content, Crude or Profane Language, Drug and Alcohol Content and a general Conclusion, which serves as a catch-all for any other reason that this movie may cause you to face eternal damnation.

My personal favorite is the Crude or Profane Language section. It amuses me because they write every bad word that appears in the film, but just hyphen out a vowel or two from the word. Because God is OK with bad words as long as you don’t use all the letters. Especially those d–n vowels. Here’s a great example from the review of award-winning “Million Dollar Baby.”

Frankie tells Maggie to hit another female boxer “in the t-tties” until they “turn blue and fall off.”

Not surprisingly, the hard-bitten characters that occupy Frankie�€™s gym swear profusely, but the one clear use of the f-word comes from a Catholic priest. Frankie uses Jesus�€™ name for swearing at least four times, along with God�€™s name several more times. In addition, multiple uses of the s-word, “a–,” “h—,” “d–n,” and at least one use of “b–ch” are heard, along with crude references to male genitals and female breasts.

I don’t know about anybody else, but all that hyphenation stuff just makes me think of every foul, dirty word I can think of, trying to make them fit the blanks. It’s kind of like a nasty, profane crossword puzzle. “Hey, what’s an eight-letter British slang word for a part of the male anatomy….starts with ‘B’ ends with ‘-locks’?”

Of course when I looked up “Closer”, my pick for best film of 2004, it was even worse:

About 40 f-words, half of which are used in a sexual context. A handful of s-words. Jesus’ name is forcefully abused three times. The f-word is substituted for God’s name in one particularly polluted slice of dialogue. Male and female sexual anatomy is referred to (about a dozen times) with American and British slang too obscene even to hyphenate in this review.

And of course, there’s Dobson’s newest whipping boy for homosexuality: SpongeBob SquarePants.
There were five, count ‘em, FIVE paragraphs devoted to the sexual content in SpongeBob SquarePants The Movie.

…It�€™s at this point that things go from wiggle-giggle to worse. One of the times Patrick�€™s bareness is beheld, he has a pole wedged between his, ahem, cheeks … a pole with a flag labeled �€œSpongeBob.�€� (Patrick asks SpongeBob, �€œDid you see my butt?) Plankton gives a (male) TV reporter an adoring “look” when he asks for an interview, then coquettishly replies, �€œAnything for you.�€� SpongeBob creeps into Squidward’s shower and begins scrubbing his back for him. And Patrick prances about wearing women’s high-heeled boots and stockings.

It’s obvious, though I�€™m loath to write it, that The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie doesn’t just allude to the building mystery surrounding its characters�€™ sexuality (see the Conclusion for more on this), it repeatedly plays with it. It revels in adult-minded asides that fly right over kids�€™ heads and straight into the disbelieving stares of parent

Pretty hot, eh?

And, no, they didn’t particularly care for Kinsey either. Imagine that.

They DID like Fat Albert and Ladder 49. Although, they were a little upset that Joaquin Phoenix was shown in his boxer shorts during one scene in Ladder. Personally, I thought that was the only thing that made the movie worth my $5 matinee ticket price, but that’s just me.

So, everybody do me a favor. Pass along the website address for the Focus on the Family movie reviews to all the easily offended self-righteous folks you know. If they promise stay away from my favorite profanity-laden movies, I promise not to shout a 7-letter word for the female anatomy starting with “T,” during their Mel Gibson flicks.