Ah, the ’80s! Reagan was President. Hair bands were all the rage. And TV sitcoms were bland and crappy. Let’s revisit those days, and check in on a couple of the actors from those bland, crappy shows.

Remember Lisa Whelchel, who played the bitchy Blair on “The Facts of Life”?

In case you can’t recall what happened to her, here’s the short version of her life since the show ended:

I filmed the last episode of �€œThe Facts of Life�€� in March of 1988 and then I was married on July 9th, 1988. Ten months later I was pregnant with my first child and proceeded to have three children, three years in a row.

Lisa is now a homeschooler, motivational speaker, and an authority on “Christian motherhood.” She is the author of several motherhood books, including Creative Corrections, which advocates spanking kids who don’t follow orders fast enough (since reasoning with children takes too damned much time), and also suggests many creative ways to punish your youngsters, such as the use of hot sauce to “spank the tongues”� of� misbehaving children.� (We have discussed the book previously at WO’C.)

So, what’s new with Lisa lately?

Well, here’s part of her jounal entry from last week:

I am writing the Bible Study for �€œCreative Correction�€� that LifeWay is publishing late this summer.

My guess is that the new book helps busy moms to read the Bible while they beat their kids with it.

But the latest news comes from this press release:

BioPerfect Research Institute, Inc. announced today that actress; best-selling author and public speaker Lisa Whelchel has been named National Spokesperson for the company�€™s popular �€œFeed My Brain�€� line of natural dietary supplements. According to BioPerfect�€™s President, Tim Lunsford, �€œLisa is considered by many to be America�€™s �€˜mentor to moms�€™ and is clearly one of the nation�€™s leading voices in educational reform. She was the �€˜perfect�€™ choice for our company.�€� […]

Lisa Whelchel is also the Celebrity Host for BioPerfect�€™s national advertising which airs on national cable networks including The Hallmark Channel, Women�€™s Entertainment (WE,) the USA Network and on broadcast affiliates in most major ADI markets from New York to Los Angeles. […]

Lisa�€™s Agent Ron Smith of Smith Management Partners explains, �€œLisa is passionate about �€œFeed My Brain�€� as a direct result of her personal FMB experiences and the fact that 4 out of 5 of Lisa�€™s family members experienced a double-digit gain in I.Q. after just 51 days of taking the product.�€�

Um, okay.

If we go to the company’s web site (www.feedmybrain.com) and read their exhaustive 2-page research paper, we learn that one day a researcher came to Lisa’s house and gave everybody in the family an I.Q. test. About 7 weeks later, he came back and retested them. Four members of the family did better this time, with three of them performing better on several portions of the test. (The one family member who didn’t improve was sent to an orphanage in Indonesia.)

So, what scientific process caused a food supplement to make Lisa’s family smarter (about 10% smarter — or more , depending on how stupid they they were before)?

The researcher says:

One might argue that the “belief by the family” (placebo effect) that the supplement would work was sufficient to cause the gain in IQ scores. In fact, both the family and this author were initially skeptical that a family with good nutritional habits would benefit significantly from nutritional supplementation, especially over such a short period of time. Continued research and exploration in this area is indicated.

But there’s no time for that now, since Lisa has to start her commercials now! (We’ll give you our theory of how Lisa’s family made this astounding leap in intelligence in a minute, but now let’s get back to the press release).

BioPerfect is scheduled to launch a comprehensive media relations campaign with Lisa in 2005 to promote the company�€™s all-natural I.Q. enhancing products for children and memory support products for adults and seniors. Lisa plans to utilize this platform to continue her quest to make a real difference in the lives of children, students and parents from all walks of life.

Well, her quest to make a difference in the lives of dumb children, gullible students, and anxious parents who can afford to spend $59.95 for a month’s supply of vitamins.

Anyway, after reading this press release, you are probably now asking yourself, “Does my child really need to take FMB?” Let’s go to the product’s website for the answer!

Only you can make that important decision. So, why don’t we let the facts speak for themselves. There has never been a greater need for Feed My Brain dietary supplements than today.

FMB was developed for one purpose, to put into a convenient pleasant taking tablet those nutrients and a myriad of naturally occurring compounds found in fruits and vegetables that could contribute to the healthy maintenance of brain cells. In some cases, the nutrients in FMB may be beneficial in children who chronically consume a diet low in nutrient density.

So, if your children are malnourished, don’t get the nutrients contained in fruits and vegetables, and consequently they’re stupid, then maybe you should give them FMB.

Now for my theory of how it was that four members of Lisa’s family saw a “double-digit” leap in their I.Q.s after taking FMB for nearly two months:

Lisa didn’t feed them or let them sleep for two or three days prior to that first IQ test.

(Hey, we learned from Creative Corrections how Lisa spanked daugher Haven after Grandma turned her in for sneaking a popsicle before dinner — so I don’t think withholding food and sleep in order to get to be the FMB spokesperson is a big leap for her.)

Oh, and Lisa has another new book coming out. Here’s the info from her latest journal entry:

January 27, 2005

Yeah, it�€™s here! The Busy Mom�€™s Guide to Prayer is now a reality. […]

All you need to do is find ten minutes a day and you can pray through each of the six categories, Praise, Self, Husband, Children, Personal Influences and Reaching Beyond. In one month you will have thoroughly prayed through each of these areas of concern by bringing nearly one hundred twenty matters before your heavenly Father.

I received my first copy of the book in the mail a few weeks ago and I�€™ve been praying through it faithfully ever since. I must confess �€“ I love it! It feels so good to know I have prayed for my husband�€™s health, my children�€™s future spouses, my President, my diet and my pastor. I don�€™t feel like such a prayer wimp anymore.

But wait, she forgot to pray for her husband’s mistress, the President’s diet, her children’s future homosexual partners, her plastic surgery, and all the little children on “Feed My Brain”!

But at least she doesn’t feel like a prayer wimp anymore!

And speaking of wimps, what’s new with Kirk Cameron, the doofy puffy-haired kid from another one of those sitcoms (I think it was “Family Pains,” or “Growing Nits,” or “Leave It To Hitler,” or something like that)?

Well, he’s keeping busy too :

Kirk Cameron, known as the loveable Mike Seaver on the ABC show “Growing Pains,” was in Albuquerque Wednesday for the opening of the church sanctuary at the Legacy Church in northeast Albuquerque.

Cameron, who says he was not always religious, now travels the country speaking at churches.

“I grew up as an atheist,” he admits. “I was a math and science kind of guy.”

And, as we all know, math and science lead to atheism.

But let’s learn more about Kirk’s conversion from lovable Mike Seaver to studly “Buck Naked”, the alter ego of Tim LeHaye in Left Behind, from this Christianity Today article from last year:

For children of the ’80s, Mike was the coolest kid on television. Reagan-era children (like myself) were too young to appreciate The Fonz, but we dreamed of having the brown leather coat, the hip parents, and the well-timed wisecracks of Mike Seaver.

Um, any of you children of the ’80s agree with this?

Cameron was making $50,000 a week but had to deal with such things as lovesick teenyboppers and kidnapping threats.

Yeah, things were tough all over in the ’80s.

People presumed Kirk Cameron to be the happiest guy on the planet. He was driving around in sports cars. He flew to exotic countries for vacations. He was offered lead roles in movies without having to audition. While all his dreams were coming true, Cameron likens that time in his life to biting into a chocolate bunny on Easter and realizing that it’s hollow. “There was this aching, empty feeling that left me very disillusioned with the business I was working in,” he says. “What else was there? What else did I have to shoot for? I’d basically reached the top of the ladder, and I was 18.”

Um, well, if not the top of the ladder, as high as he was going to climb.

Anyway, he found religion during the summer of ‘90, became a jerk, and alienated everybody on the show except Chelsea Noble, whom he married the next year. And then the show was canceled.

Since then, he starred in the two “Left Behind” movies. He continued to be a Christian (but not as jerky a one as before). He had kids.

“Chelsea and I knew we wanted to have a big family,” says the happy father of five. “We got talking about the subject of adoption. We decided, ‘Wow, there’s a lot of kids who need families.’”

The couple adopted their son, Jack, and soon thereafter were surprised to find that Noble was pregnant. “Olivia being conceived�€”it wasn’t something we were planning,” he says. “We were very surprised, but at the same time, thrilled.” They adopted one baby per year�€”for three more years�€”bringing the brood to their present total. And Cameron hints that the family could possibly grow even larger in the future.

Those 80’s sit-com stars and their “kid a year” plans!

Now Kirk is a partner in The Way of the Master Ministries, “a program to teach Christians how to share their faith effectively.” He has a series on TBN, sells videos, has a book out, and does seminars for churches. And he’s a street preacher.

Here’s part of a Q&A session Kirk did for CrossWalk last summer:

How have people responded to a “movie celebrity” preaching on the streets?

Kirk Cameron says:
Some have responded by thanking me for helping them understand why they need a Savior. Others, with tears in their eyes, have prayed to receive Christ while others have called me every four-letter word in the book.

Those last people probably just have bad feelings about “Family Ties.”

But if a fuzzy-headed guy on a street corner stars yelling at YOU, it may just be the coolest guy on TV in the ’80s telling you you’re going to hell if you don’t repent.

Oh, and while looking up news articles about Kirk, I learned the following:

From his humble beginnings as the friend of Kirk Cameron on the TV show �€œGrowing Pains�€� to his Academy Award- nominated performance in �€œWhat�€™s Eating Gilbert Grape,�€� all the way to �€œTitanic�€� and through 2002�€™s �€œCatch Me if You Can,�€� there is no doubt that Leonardo DiCaprio�€™s career has come a long way.

Leonardo DiCaprio got his start playing a second banana to Kirk Cameron??? Wow, the ’80s really were a weird decade.