Gnatterings
Being the private journals of a Midwestern girl and her adventures with her mostly banal father€.
Mommy woke me early this morning to make sure that I was fed properly. Because Daddee insists on giving me Easy Mac at every meal, Mommy thought it best to get something else into me before she went to off to her job. After finishing my oatmeal she covered me up with a blanket on the couch and popped a Wiggles DVD into the player to entertain me. God, I hate those smarmy cutesy-poo bastards. After Mommy left, I put on Pimp My Ride and settled in to wait for Daddee to wake up at his usual eleven o€™clock.
Hours later I heard Daddee up and about, shuffling into the bathroom to take a long leak, so I jumped off the couch and put on My Little Pony or some other shit on the TV.
€œTop O€™ the Morning to you Gnat€, he said as he strolled into the living room, his robe open exposing his sunken hairless chest. I wondered if Mary Cheney started out like this.
€œMorning Daddee!€, I cried, faking that baby talk designed to keep him off my ass. €œCan we haf waffles with syrple this mornin€™?€. God, I was shameless.
€œWhoa-ho-ho. That€™s going into the Bleat.€ He said as he jotted it down with one hand while cracking open an Old Milwaukee with the other. €œHow about some Easy Mac?€.
€œ €™kay€. Jasper began whining. He€™s been pooping straight Mac and Cheese for a week.
€œGuess where we€™re going today?€, he smirked.
Groan. Okay, let€™s get it over with€.
€œTarget! Target! Target€ I cried while bouncing up and down on the couch like a spastic puppet.
€œThat€™s right, Punkin€™. We need paper towels and shampoo, and I hear that Gilligans Island season two just came at on DVD. That€™ll be fun, won€™t it?€
Face it, I€™m four years and I don€™t know Gilligan€™s Island from I, Claudius, but I played along.
€œKewl!€
An hour later Daddee strapped me into my car seat in the minivan.
€œWanna listen to Hugh this morning, Punkin?€
€œNo Daddee, I wanna listen to Radio Disney. Hew€™s a boring old poopyhead.€
€œWell, yes he is, punkin, but he puts Daddy on his show which helps Daddy sell his books so Daddy can earn money to buy you Barbies and shit€.Whoops. Don€™t tell mommy I said a bad word, €˜kay?€ And with that he put on the Hewitt show.
Great. Now I had to listen to this moron with the world view of a four year old (and I should know) prattle on about obstructionism and church and state and blah blah blah. I don€™t think Hugh is married because if he was his wife would have smothered him with a pillow by now just to get him to shut up.
I really wanted to listen to Radio Disney and so I impulsively gave Daddee the finger which he caught a glimpse of in the rearview mirror, but I recovered nicely by sticking it in my nose.
€œPick a winner!€, Daddee joked.
Jesus. What a tool.
We pulled into the Target parking lot (we have a reserved space, if you can believe it) and Daddee plopped me into the shopping cart€™s kids seat. Honestly, you would think they could pad those seats a little. I swear, I€™m going to have €˜rhoids before I€™m nine.
€œMorning Jim€ €œMorning Mabel€ €œMorning Jim€ €œMorning Fern€ €œHey Jim, we€™ve got a special on Easy Mac on aisle four.€
Back at home, Jasper began to howl.
We browsed the shampoo aisle for about thirty minutes. Watching Daddee give serious consideration to different shampoos is like watching Jesse Helms pick out condoms. Why bother? Then it was off to pick up paper towels, Snapple, and a six pack of Tinactin. Finally we made it to DVD which meant we were almost done. By this time I was slumped over in the seat drooling like Alan Colmes.
€œHey punkin? You want another Barbie Princess DVD?€
Sure. You bet. Whatever. Like you could tell one from another.
€œYes Daddee, she€™s so pretty. I wanna be pretty like her when I grows up€. I took a hard look at Daddee and decided that genetics was not going to be my friend.
Then it was through the checkout line where Daddee used his Platinum Target Card, into the minivan, and home.
It was naptime by the time we got home and Daddee carried me upstairs to my bedroom. I could have walked, but I figured he really needed the exercise, so what the hell.
€œWe had a good day today, didn€™t we Gnat?€ he asked while tucking me in.
I looked up at him and said, €œHeh. Indeed.€
Daddy looked startled, and I know that I had just reminded him about that legal conference that Mommy had attended in Tennessee five years ago and the suspicions that Daddy has had ever since then.
Me? I just like messing with his mind€.
March 18th, 2005 at 9:27 am
Tbogg, it’s good to be able to praise you in comment. When’s the next Jonah love story happening?
March 18th, 2005 at 9:31 am
When do we get AWM™ meets Minnesota Jim? Can Gnat whup-up on Phoenicia? Inquiring minds want to know…..
Heh, Indeed.
March 18th, 2005 at 11:23 am
Shye must have been dozing off when Daddy bought his weekly quart of forehead cream.
March 18th, 2005 at 12:18 pm
Tbogg, you’re a genius.
March 18th, 2005 at 12:35 pm
FUCKING HILARIOUS.
March 18th, 2005 at 12:47 pm
Awesome.
Also, belated condolences to you for Cooder.
March 18th, 2005 at 12:52 pm
This is the kind of thing that makes me cry €” partly because I’m trying not to burst out laughing at my damn desk, partly because I know I’m never going to be able to come up with anything as hysterical as this. But mostly the first one.
March 18th, 2005 at 1:01 pm
That deserves a Kofax award for best post. It’s a shame it’s a year from now.
March 18th, 2005 at 1:02 pm
What’s so gawddamn funny?
March 18th, 2005 at 1:33 pm
This is basically just rightwing blogger fanfic…I mean, still hilarious, but I would have trouble explaining it to a family member.
March 18th, 2005 at 1:35 pm
Made my day…;-)
March 18th, 2005 at 1:40 pm
I don€™t think Hugh is married because if he was his wife would have smothered him with a pillow by now just to get him to shut up.
I believe Hewitt is married to a dog becaue I here him call her “the fetching Mrs. Hewitt” quite frequently. I wonder if Senator Santorum is aware of this?
March 18th, 2005 at 2:03 pm
What€™s so gawddamn funny?
Me, saying the word “unhinged” over and over.
March 18th, 2005 at 3:48 pm
I’m so glad you do stuff like this. I got so tired of everyone talking about how entertain he was when he just sounded like another self-involved, ignorant, boob who only identifies with himself, to me.
March 18th, 2005 at 3:49 pm
“entertaining”. See, he makes me crazy!
March 18th, 2005 at 3:49 pm
Bravissimo. Parodying Lileks is too easy. He’s already a parody. But from the Gnat’s POV is inspired.
March 18th, 2005 at 4:20 pm
thanks for the laughs
March 18th, 2005 at 4:24 pm
Can’t wait for AWM meets Lileks. Fcukin funny sh!t tbogg.
March 18th, 2005 at 4:58 pm
Don’t put your daughter on the blog, Mrs. Worthington! Don’t put your daughter on the blog!
March 18th, 2005 at 6:21 pm
Magnificent…. Instead of a Gnat-Pheonicia dustup, how about a Gnat-Paris romance?
March 18th, 2005 at 6:51 pm
Excellent!
€œTop O€™ the Morning to you Gnat€, he said as he strolled into the living room, his robe open exposing his sunken hairless chest. I wondered if Mary Cheney started out like this.
€œMorning Daddee!€, I cried, faking that baby talk designed to keep him off my ass. €œCan we haf waffles with syrple this mornin€™?€. God, I was shameless.
€œWhoa-ho-ho. That€™s going into the Bleat.€ He said as he jotted it down with one hand while cracking open an Old Milwaukee with the other. €œHow about some Easy Mac?€.
Priceless!
March 18th, 2005 at 7:03 pm
I don’t get it. Are you lampooning a right-wing writer or something, TBogg? Sorry, I don’t read any right-wing blogs.
March 18th, 2005 at 7:16 pm
http://upticks.blogspot.com Market commentary and real time Stock trades. My account is up over 700% in 2005. Get some.
March 18th, 2005 at 7:46 pm
Fabulous. Brilliant.
Does the right have any equivalent to tBogg, I wonder? Humorists — or in their case, as Tom Tomorrow memorably said, people who have heard of humor but have no firsthand familiarity with it — who make fun of Atrios and tBogg the way he does Lileks? I’d LOVE to see their equivalents, and our side’s shredding of them…
March 20th, 2005 at 5:13 am
I don€™t get it. Are you lampooning a right-wing writer or something, TBogg? Sorry, I don€™t read any right-wing blogs.
Elaine:
Jimbo Lileks
(img via Horkulated)
March 20th, 2005 at 5:14 am
Well, there was an img there, you’ll just have to imagine how stunning Jimbo looked in it.
March 20th, 2005 at 7:11 am
That’s the funniest take on Gnat Daddy I’ve ever read. It cheered me up a little. I’m in a real funk over those GOP f***ers and the depths to which they have stooped over Terry Schiavo. I am about to turn off CNN, leave the house, and start smoking again.
May 14th, 2007 at 3:52 am
[…] Reactionary gasbag and professional Target shopper James Lileks = Dr. Chandra, creator of HAL-9000 […]