It’s time to check in with our favorite gun-lovin’, deer shootin’, feminist-hatin’ professor of criminology, Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D.

His latest column is called “A Letter Before Dawn .”

Yes, once again Dr. Mike is using his TownHall column to answer his personal mail (and is using his personal mail as fodder for his Townhall columns). This time his correspondent is an alleged female student named Dawn, who purportedly sent Dr. Mike a letter with a shocking enclosure.

Let’s enjoy the hilarity:

Good morning, Dawn. It’s one o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep due to a pulled muscle in my lower back. Yesterday, I tried to move a 700-pound gun safe into my house with, shall we say, insufficient assistance.

Hmm, hurt his back while moving a 700-pound gun safe, or while engaging in a spirited Spartan-style wresting match with hunting buddy Doug Giles? Inquiring minds want to know!

In any case, there is nothing to indicate that Dawn asked about Dr. Mike’s back, or particularly cares how he injured it. (Although, since she is probably just a fictional character invented by Dr. Mike so he could make a pun about being up before dawn because he wanted to announce that he hurt his back while moving a 700-pound gun safe, she probably won’t be complaining.)

The picture/poster you sent of a naked woman with her legs lifted in the air was pretty tasteless. The flower inserted into her vaginal cavity did little to help matters. Admittedly, it did cover private areas most would not wish to see on a picture distributed all around the University of Alabama campus by radical feminists. Nonetheless, the airbrushing did not fully cover some things we all could have gone without seeing.

Poor Dr. Mike is always being forced to see things that he doesn’t like — and when those things involve vaginas (and especially feminists with vagina), it usually results in him being stricken with erectile dysfunction.

Oh, you can see a photo of the poster he’s tut-tutting about here (you might have to register to access the site). But if you don’t want to go to all that bother, trust me, the poster doesn’t show anything you haven’t seen before. (Heck, even the Virgin Ben has seen this much before.)

But poor Dr. Mike could have lived his whole life without being exposed to such things (if not for Dawn, of course). While she just wanted to complain to the university president about the poster (and presumably wrote to Dr. Mike to ask for permission before doing so), Mike has a much more devious plan. Sure, it’s elaborate and stupid and stuff, but that’s its genius!

In your letter, you said that campus feminists are really “aging sluts with no higher goal than to produce another generation of angry and promiscuous Vagina Warriors.” That was well put. It also brings me to my idea.

Dawn, I want you to conjure a vision of the “angry and promiscuous Vagina Warrior” you mentioned in your letter. Then, I want you to gather together at least three other women who feel like you do on this issue. Then, I am going to ask you to do something very difficult. I want you and your friends to dress like the angry feminists you criticize.

Wear your oldest pair of blue jeans, preferably without washing them for at least one month. Then, put on a white “wife beater” tank top. Do not shave your arm pits for several weeks (this one is optional) and under no circumstances are any of you to wear a bra (not optional). Use black magic markers to put slogans like “F— Bush” and “F— men” on your tank tops. Then get some “Vagina friendly” buttons from the Women’s Resource Center and place them on your outer garments. Wear no make-up except for thick mascara. Top it all off with a black leather-studded dog collar from the local pet store. Fit it tightly around your neck. Then, you should be ready to go.

You can see the “aging slut” who produced the play here (scroll down to the photo of the UA Forensics Team). I’m sure you’ll quickly spot her by her dirty jeans, armpit hair, and dog collar. (Don’t let the fact that she was a sorority girl, and is probably all of 22 fool you — those feminists are all the same!)

I have enclosed a $100 bill in this letter, which should give you enough money for about 2000 Xerox copies of the offensive poster.

Even though I suspect that there is no “Dawn,” this gives me an idea — let’s all write to Dr. Mike, whining about all the disgusting feminists on our campuses. We can suggest that if he’ll just send us $100, we will totally discredit the bitches by dressing up like the girls in those Roger Corman movies about motorcycle gangs (but with a “Sid and Nancy” dog collar), and going to Kinkos and photocopying naughty pictures. I’m sure Mike will want to sponsor our totally radical vengeance against the feminists who destroyed his sexual desire.

But I just had another thought — where can you make color copies of posters for 5 cents each these days? I guess Dr. Mike really did just make this whole thing up, and there isn’t any chance that he’s mailing out $100 bills.

But back to his cunning plan for Dawn and her fellow ladies:

Take these 2000 copies to the next student/parent orientation after you get dressed in your man-hating feminist outfits. Make sure that you do not arrive early so the campus police are not tipped off in advance.

Yeah, that would be amusing and all, but since this production of the play is history (it was February 18th and 19th — and it was held off campus, btw), why would anybody believe that a bunch of unkempt “feminists” would be passing out 2000 copies of its poster?

If the police question you, just say that you recently attended the Vagina Monologues and were transformed by the experience.

Well, that’s sort of an explanation, but since it’s going to take Dawn and her ladies several weeks to grow out their armpit hair, claiming to have seen the play “recently” isn’t going to fool anybody.

Within the hour, angry calls will start to flood the office of President Witt. The parents of potential students will also begin calling other schools with a simple question: “You don’t have any of them Vaginer Whar-yers’ on your campus, do ya?”

Yes, the illiterate parents of college-aged children will NEVER let their offspring attend a university that has vaginas on it (or anything having to do with vaginas — although I think a campus group called the “Vainglorious Wingnuts” would be a big hit among young conservatives ).

I will also have my friend take some digital pictures of you to send to potential Alabama football recruits. Shortly thereafter, we will send a “hot sorority girls of Auburn” calendar to those same recruits. Once the feminism starts to interfere with the football, you might get the President’s attention.

Yeah, because nothing scares away jocks quicker than slutty woman passing out pictures of naked woman with their legs lifted in the air.

In your letter, you asked me the following question: “Would any sane parent send a daughter to Bama if they could see what was going on there in the name of diversity?”

Would any sane parent send a daughter to UA/Tuscaloosa if they knew that their sweet, innocent little flower (who is a legal adult) might have to see a poster advertising a feminist play? I think we all know the answer to that.

But a better question is: “Would any sane parent send a child to UNCW if they thought that Dr. Mike was a representitive member of the faculty?” (While we all know the answer to that one too, I think it’s only fair to point out that Dr. Mike is atypical, since, as he often tells us , he’s the only conservative on the UNCW faculty, and probably any university anywhere, and that’s why people are always picking on him.)

But I think we should all feel sorry for him — not only does he have that sore back (resulting from his manly gun safe toting), and the ED (resulting from having to see that feminist vagina covered only by a flower and some airbrushing), but he’s also really scraping for column ideas these days. So, maybe we should go forward with my idea of writing him about the feminists on our campuses, and asking him for money. Either that or we need to arrange more play dates for him with Doug Giles, in the hopes that the exertion will put both of them out of commission for a while.