How many sex partners have you had?
That and other questions about your boinking life
India Knight has a two-pager about adolescent sex vs. adult sex. She was prompted to discuss this due to a survey that indicated one-quarter of all British teens say they’ve had sex with an average of three lovers, and 60% said they were drunk at the time:
And so, incrementally, we have got to the stage where young people genuinely seem to believe that having sex is the only benchmark, the only evidence that you’re an okay person, the only proof that you have an appealing personality. Having sex means approval.
Except that, as grown-ups know, it doesn’t. Having sex with three people by the time you’re 14, because you were drunk, and finding all of those lovers unattractive (as 29% of girls said they did), and regretting the whole thing terribly afterwards (50%) isn’t sexy, or “empowering”, or glamorous, or grown-up: it’s just sad.
Before I get too Mary Whitehouse, I must just point out that sexual experimentation is an excellent thing, and that in the majority of cases both women and men should have a broad variety of lovers before they “settle down”.
It was interesting to read what the average number of lovers was for different demographic groups in Great Britain, broken down by gender and ethnic background. I’d like to see more demographics and more questions added, as the ones they asked raised more questions in my mind.
Like age difference. Did those who were in their teens and twenties during the ’sexual revolution’ in the 1960s and 1970s have more sex than folks older or younger? (This would help reassure me that I’m not an aberrant old whore).
And if part of India’s point is to discourage having sex so young, she could have indicated what the poll said about those who remained virgins at 14 (I’m presuming it’s a larger number than that 25%). The pollsters also could have asked how many have had STDs, how many had unwanted pregnancies, how many pregnancies led to failed or successful marriages, how many led to welfare, etc., etc.
So, out of curiousity, how many sex partners have you had? When did you first have sex? What advice would you give to a 14 year old, based on your experience?
Feel free to use a different pseudonym in comments, if you wish. And if you suffer from a peculiar form of heterosexual nymphomania that makes you hot for overweight fifty-something guys, skip the comments and email me directly.
April 2nd, 2005 at 5:22 pm
Average is six sexual partners? Jeez. I’m a very sedate person–at least compared to my friends–and I’ve had, I think, 15. (I’m 40.)
I lost my virginity at 17 to a 22-year-old dancer who rented a room upstairs at my mom’s house. She was very much into the idea of being the mature woman who would make my first time “special.” Actually the whole trip was kind of sordid and depressing. There was no question of either of us being in love,and the sex wasn’t too earth-shaking (though I did come).
Birth control wasn’t necessary; she was having her period at the time, not too heavy.
There was only a little alcohol involved. Despite this, having heard a lot of horror stories I tell my own kids to avoid alcohol till they finish school.
In general I agree with the premise that our sex-crazed consumer culture encourages us to believe that everyone but ourselves is “getting some.”
In a side note, I have an idea that the American diet (coffee, alcohol, tobacco, antibiotic- and hormone-laden meats, etc.) makes sex a smellier, hence less private/concealable, proposition than it might be, say, in Polynesia where the enzyme-rich, fresh fruit-laden diet makes people’s scents more subtle. Because of this, I wonder if the American diet helps tip our culture toward fascism. But I suppose I’m veering a bit far afield. . .
April 2nd, 2005 at 7:49 pm
The comic book writer/artist Dennis Eichorn did a series of comics (Real Sex, Real Smut, etc.) in which he recounts personal adventures where he had lots and lots of sex. He relayed in one of the comics that he often got quizzed about whether his stories were really true or whether he was making up some of them. He replied that, no, he was relaying true stories, that people in the 60s had lots and lots of sex. So no, you’re not at all unusual.
I’d relay my own sex history, but being a child of the 70s, when all the crackdowns occurred, my history is pretty darn unimpressive.
April 2nd, 2005 at 11:20 pm
I was 16 my first time. It was not a good experience. A sixteen-year-old girl is no mental match for a horny and experienced 21-year-old guy. You just drink some and let them do “whatever”. Of course there was no thought on his part that he might try to make it enjoyable for his partner. A couple of years later I was madly in love with a boy only one year older than I, and we had lots of plans for getting married and living happily every after. This was 1965. After repeated problems trying to get birth control pills (doctors wouldn’t give me a prescription because I should just “not be doing it” so I got some from a married friend who didn’t like the side effects) I thought I was being very careful and yet, somehow, I became pregnant. Boy changed his mind and ran. My son was born shortly after my 19th birthday.
Back in those “good old days” there were not very many social groups a young unwed mother could join, but along came all that the late 60s brought and I found a community of other disenchanted young people who didn’t have a problem with me and my little boy (in his tie-died diapers) hanging out wherever they gathered. I didn’t do any drugs because I feared I wouldn’t be able to take care of my baby if I didn’t have my head on straight, and I didn’t let anyone in my home who was “holding”. I supported us by writing term papers for people who were going to college and sewing the usual 60s crap for sale at faires and such. Life was difficult but not bad.
I was married briefly to a man who didn’t like children, and escaped from that one quickly. Then I fell in love with a fine, upstanding young man who was ultra-conservative and we went together for three years before marrying. Everything was wonderful, despite our political differences. For two years. The best part of that one was he was a good dad to my kid. All my sleeping around occurred after that divorce. It was the 70s. Whenever my son was visiting his dad, I had the chance to play around. I enjoyed pot. I had a number of one-night stands. Some of the flings were great, others not so much. Pretty standard. I dated a few guys seriously — one at a time.
I had turned into a very happy single woman when I met a really great guy. I had a good job, my son was thriving, I could go out or not as I pleased. After a couple of years being really good friends we married, and we’re still making each other laugh every day after almost 27 years of marriage. My son is 40 and a fine man, not apparently scarred by his unsettled early years.
What would I tell a 14-year-old today? Don’t drink, don’t do drugs — they allow you to do things that aren’t good for you and that you probably don’t even want (otherwise you wouldn’t need to have the excuse of inebriation). Having a baby is work. You’re tired all the time. You won’t get much help, so you’d better be able to keep yourselves fed and clothed. Welfare might be available but it’s demoralizing. Marrying someone just to not be alone is always crummy, and divorce is always heartbreaking. And protecting your child from everything is your job — you better be up for it. If you want to engage in sex make sure you know how to protect yourself before the need arises. Don’t ever allow anyone to subject you to the risks of disease and/or pregnancy because you don’t think you have the right to demand protection. If you’re old enough to enjoy the pleasures of the body, you need to be old enough to control the outcome of your acts so you don’t spend years struggling as a consequence. Getting pregnant out of wedlock doesn’t end your life, but it does irrevocably alter the life you live from that time on. Disease is altogether different — it can very well end your life. You have big decisions to make and most people won’t be advising you in your own best interests. Think seriously about what you want for yourself and try not to do anything that will seriously hamper your ability to get there.
And if you drink, don’t drive.
April 3rd, 2005 at 3:43 am
So far, none. And being nearly 30, I suppose according to this article I’m horribly sick and twisted somewhere. Oh dear…
April 3rd, 2005 at 4:51 am
Dei,
You are not sick or twisted, but you have missed out so far on one of the best and sometimes worst things in life … I hope you find some one in your life that you can share the thrill of the deepest personal contact one can have.
April 3rd, 2005 at 4:55 am
By the way I started pretty young … and she was much older … I was in the Navy a very long time … and I lived in the Bay area in Calif. for a long time from the late 60’s on, so I am not one to advise you on good choices about sex and the number of partners you should or should not have. But I am over 50 now and have been with my new wife 10 years and the love and the sex are the best that I have ever had, for the first time in my life I am with someone that I want to live out the rest of my life with … so almost 30 is in no way to late to catch the fire….
April 3rd, 2005 at 5:04 am
Just one other thing telling a 14 year old not to think about sex is like telling a drunk to just stop thinking about drinking… I think 14 is to young to have sex… look how long it took me to get it right … but they are going to think about it .. so we need to give them honest open answers with all the correct information that is available and we need to give them things to do that they share and bond over… and by the way making them ashamed of themselves is not a way to control them it is just a way to twist desire and drive it underground.
April 3rd, 2005 at 5:46 am
A topic near and dear to my heart. I lost my virginity at 15 with another 15 year-old virgin. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t great, a fact we both agreed on at the time and kind of laughed about it. We figured we’d get better with practice. Between that time and marriage, I had 8-10 partners. In some cases, I did not practice safe sex. I got extremely lucky.
I do think 14 is too young and maybe 16 was too. But I do wish my parents had been more straightforward about sex. I directly asked my mother once and she didn’t tell me anything. Very frustrating. I don’t want to tell my kids not to have sex. I just want to tell them to be careful and to think about whether it’s really something they want to do–including other kinds of sexual activities like oral sex. I know it’s hard to think rationally in the heat of the moment, but perhaps if they think about it, talk about it long before they’re confronted with the situation, they’ll know how they want to handle it.
April 3rd, 2005 at 7:46 am
I was 16; he was 17. Alcohol was involved (not enough to forget the experience) and I have to confess that it was wonderful!
I’m 60 now, divorced once (1974) remarried once (2002) and I guess besides my husbands I’ve had maybe 15 partners.
The advice I gave my son when he was 14 is to always carry a condom and be sure that he and his parner really liked each other.
He followed my advice (he says) and used that condom for the first time when he was 18. Many more after that; he was a rock n roll musician for several years.
April 3rd, 2005 at 9:51 am
Odd… I could have sworn I wrote more than one sentence. Does putting in a result in the rest being cut off? (you’ll have to pardon my run-on paragraphs until I understand this comment thing better) Al Hill, I don’t consider myself sick or twisted either — it was the horror of the article’s writer on people who were less sexually experimental than herself that was amusing.
[as if everyone more active than yourself is a slut and anyone less is a prude, oh dear!] And thanks for the concern, but I don’t consider myself to be missing out — nor disapproving of those more active than myself.
April 3rd, 2005 at 10:26 am
My best friend in high school had about 15 partners before our freshman year, and I’m sure she was closer to 50 by the time we left. I could see that she was using sex as a substitution for love (B’s father abandoned her right after she was born, and B’s mother never let B forget that it was B’s fault). So I was cautious about entering into a sexual relationship. I had a boyfriend in high school, but I am sooo glad that we never had sex, because he was really such a jerk.
I’m 35, and I’ve had one sexual partner. I started having sex when I was 18.
April 3rd, 2005 at 4:43 pm
I’m pretty boring–I’m 27 and the number is hovering around 10. I was 19 the first time, pretty old, but it was hard to get your hands on contraception when I was in high school, which accounted for the high incidence of teenage pregnancy there. In all honesty, I would tell a 14-year-old to hold off for a couple of years and make sure that the person he/she was with is a genuine friend, since it will surely suck otherwise.
April 3rd, 2005 at 9:52 pm
I was 18 and did it only because I was the only virgin I knew. The guy was pretty sweet so it was O.K. What followed was several years of promiscuity, including sexual assault more than once. I couldn’t even count the number of partners there were so many. Thank God for abortion. The cause was something analagous to a mental breakdown fueled and perpetrated by lots of drugs and alcohol. This was in the 1970’s. It took years to recover sexually (thanks to my husband).
I think the sexual revolution was a raw deal for girls. Girls shouldn’t have more than one partner. If girls are going to have casual sex it should at least be with an older guy who knows what he’s doing. What in the world is “hooking up”? Sounds dreadful for girls. My advice: stay away from drugs and alcohol, stay active in sports (empirically girls who are athletic lose their virginity later), stay connected to your daughter (ditto re girls who have a close relationship with at least one parent), have an interest and therefore a source of self-esteem separate from your standing with your social group, and don’t ever ever do anything that you don’t want to do. For girls, casual sex with multiple partners, aka promiscuity, results from emotional/mental problems. At least that was my experience. Gets more complicated for boys, because casual sex for them is certainly without the cost, and they may be more hard wired for it.
April 4th, 2005 at 1:04 am
From talks with my children plus observation, I did find it a bit disconcerting what they knew to be standard practice among some of their adolescent peers. Though all are adults now, I note the dynamics each goes through in their love relationships with a combination of pride and moments of sheer terror (on my part, I mean).
Yet despite the responsibility to share what little wisdom I’ve gained, I feel definite twinges of hypocrisy. Though I know I was seeking loving intimacy over casual sex in most of my dating life, and was married for ten years and devoted, during one long solo road trip, I started counting. I was shocked at the number I came up with. I even found that certain periods where I was hurting from the end of love relationships and feeling pathetically lonely, that a surprising number of shortlived affairs had occurred.
In one sense, I have very few regrets, however, as I know that in 98% of those relationships, most of which lasted from a month to half a year, it was a loving partnership I wanted and was offering from the outset. I wasn’t misleading them nor fooling myself, even in most of the other 2% where we both knew the sex was just for funsies.
I know a few hearts got broken when incompatibilities arose, including mine on several occasions. Only a few resulted in acrimony afterward. And even now, I am friends with my very first partner, some 36 years later.
As I was 16 then, in 1969, and everything in life in those years seemed like a grand, evolving experiment, what seemed serious then looks too casual now. Yet should I apologize for how captivated I was by women of beauty and strength? I really can’t, except in a handful of lives, as I felt I gave as much as I gained.
Of the handful that I fell deeplymadly for, two ended simply out of disparate life events instead of a desire to break up on either side. Two required me to exit for the sake of surviving without going irreversibly insane. And one came from the mutual knowledge that despite great love, almost all ‘open’ relationships reach their doom. (Hey, it was the 70s!)
And yet, from each, quite beyond the sex, their were other parts of each that remain within the heart. I learned from each, there were attributes to each in their minds and spirits that I’ll cherish as long as my mind and soul can remember.
In retrospect, perhaps I fooled myself about my motivations and was driven by biology or psychology more than the pure pursuit of love. But as I noted, in almost every case, it sure seemed real at the time.
So I can only conclude there is no right number of partners. Too few or too many exist only when damage occurs that messes up lives badly. I certainly would have been content with one if I’d stumbled across that right one early on. In fact, I probably did, but other life events interfered before those potentials were realized…. like my first, who moved 3,000 miles away through no choice either of us made.
So with my children, all I can do is cross my fingers and hope they’ll know true love when it finds them, and that they remain safe till that day comes.
April 4th, 2005 at 9:58 am
I stopped counting at 36, which is right about the time I stopped needing to because I met my mate. Never felt the need to be with anyone else since. For the most part, I have a few regrets - more over my behavior than my partners’. Most of the men I’ve been with were/are friends, usually before, almost always after. When I made exceptions to that, I was often sorry. So if I had to give advice to a 14 year old, I would first tell them to wait. Anyone who doesn’t want to wait for you isn’t worth having in your bed (much less your body) anyway. I was almost 17, sober and with a friend who offered as a joke (which he had done on occasion for over a year). It was April Fool’s day and he thought I was kidding when I said yes, but I figured that the middle of the afternoon on a day for which we had nothing else planned, with a person I genuinely loved and who loved me back was as good a set up as it got. He respected me enough to say that if at any time I wasn’t okay with what was happening, I should tell him to stop and he would. Not many get that - the first time or the fiftieth. For the record, he was true to his word and when, several weeks later, I ended up spending the weekend with an ex-boyfriend (who had never pushed the sex thing), we were both a little surprised and he was inordinately pleased to have been “the first”. Just out of curiosity, is that primarily a guy thing or do lots of women feel empowered by that?