Scouring third-rate right-wing sites like RenewAmerica and ChronWatch — so you don’t have to.

Many of the wingnuts in our study are, as expected, writing about the Pope this week; however, unlike the higher-status wingnuts at Townhall, the lowly nuts are writing about other things too. Here are some of the topics of conversation I noted during this observation period:

1. Monkeys Like Porn — And That’s Why Sex Education is Wrong

Christopher Flickinger tells us about a study that involved giving male Rhesus monkeys the choice between viewing photos of “another male primate low in the chain of command,” or photos of a “female monkey’s behind.” If they chose the photos of the male’s posterior, they were given some juice as a reward — but they got no juice if they chose to look at the female’s derriere. Per Christopher, “The choice was easy. Each monkey preferred staring at the female’s butt.”

And what does this teach us (besides that nobody wants to look at the butt of a male primate low in the chain of command)? Well, that it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault that teens are having oral sex.

Who’s to blame for this immoral, unhealthy and destructive influence on our youth? […] We can’t forget about “Slick Willy” himself. As of April 4th, Reuters reported, one out of every five teenagers in the United States was engaging in oral sex and believed what they were doing wasn’t sex at all. Hmm, where do you think they got that idea?

Well, actually the Reuters piece said that, “One in five U.S. teenagers say they have engaged in oral sex, an activity that some adolescents view as not sex at all.” And the article implies that Abstinence Only programs may be why kids are having oral sex these days (they haven’t been taught that they can catch STDs from non-coital sex, and believe that preserving their virginity is the big goal). Bill Clinton’s name doesn’t come up in the study.

But Christopher still thinks that Abstinence Only education is the only sex education teens should get, because otherwise, “It’s like telling kids, ‘Drugs are bad, but here’s some crack, and here’s how you smoke it.’”

And here’s the bottom (no pun intended) line, per Christopher:

Despite the glamorous, love-struck and seemingly perfect lives the rich and powerful lead on television, teenagers need to realize mimicking such behavior is no different than monkeys who give-up a great reward in order to look at another monkey’s butt.

So, teens, there will be no juice for you if you have sex or look at monkey butts!

2. Terri Schiavo Was Murdered By Nazis

Now let’s give the floor to Helen M. Valois, a “homemaker and mom” who is here to give us a report on her vacation in Pinellas Park:

Perhaps, in years to come, I will be able to articulate systematically the mind-throwing horror of all that went on. At the moment, though, still prone to crying jags and long spells of zombie-like silence, I can only begin to pull together the jumble of impressions assaulting one’s sensibilities at and around Woodside Hospice in Pinellas Park, our own little Auschwitz tucked away in the heart of America’s playground.

And not only did Helen have to cope with the horror of having the baggers at the local Winn Dixie wishing her a nice day while Terri was being murdered (”Like every other thoughtful denizen of the post-World War II world, I have wondered, often and urgently, how the Germans were able to go about their daily lives while their countrymen were dragged from their homes and butchered in plain sight of the whole country. Now, I know”), but she also had to deal with other atrocities (”Nature’s beauty is blemished by ‘adult pleasure’ stores on practically every block, while billboards exhort the exploitably indolent to ‘Find Your Inner Gamer.’”)

No wonder Helen still suffers from zombie spells.

3. Kids Watch Too Much TV — So They Should Be Sent to Military School

Paul M. Weyrich, Chairman and CEO of the Free Congress Foundation (and King of the Wingnuts), weighs in with a little essay that notes that many kids “are being raised by parents who have inherited a 1960s mindset.” These children watch too much TV, play video games, and send instant messages — all signs that they are going to hell, just like their hippie parents.

Meanwhile, Chicago’s inner-city now has three “militarily-oriented high schools” which teach students discipline. Discipline and character. Oh, and also values. And if military school is good enough for poor urban kids, it’s damned well good enough for those spoiled white kids in the suburbs.

America’s urban youth are benefiting from the discipline offered by the military academies. What about the middle class kids living in the suburbs? Military academies are less predominant there and the private military academies to which many affluent parents once sent their children suffered a noticeable enrollment decline in the 1960s. […] The academies are an institution that should benefit more Americans regardless of whether they live in a large city and come from families of modest means or live in affluent suburbs and have TVs, computers in their rooms and instant messaging.

Hey, send them all to military school. That will stop them from sending so many damned instant messages!

4. Bush’s Social Security Plan Will be Passed, Despite the Fact that Nobody Likes It, Because Bush Never Loses!

Advancing this idea is Isaiah Z. Sterrett, a young man who looks like he escaped from Styx or Air Supply. But let’s let hear him out anyway:

For the benefit of those who are so gleefully kvelling over their puerile predictions: this President doesn’t lose. If that sounds like undue arrogance, recall the presidential election of 2000, the midterms of 2002, and then Bush�€™s resounding reelection in �€™04. Those weren�€™t good times for Democrats, as I recall.

Even Europeans have come to understand that fighting Bush is pointless. After all the anti-American, anti-Semitic jabbering about vicious neocon Paul Wolfowitz, he coasted rather bump-free to his new position at the World Bank.

So, if Bush managed to get 51% of the vote in 2004 and 47.87% in 2000 (and apparently wasn’t thrown out of office mid-term in 2002), and the snooty Europeans had to accept his choice to head up the World Bank, then we will have no choice but to accept Bush’s Social Security Plan, because he’s a winner!

Resistance is futile.

5. Tom DeLay is a Great American Who Hasn’t Actually Killed Any Judges, As Far As You Know

This message is brought to you by one Matthew Holmes (who probably isn’t Sherlock Holmes’ smarter brother).

Matthew says that liberals complained about DeLay’s remark about the judges in the Schiavo case (you know, when DeLay said something like, “Nice family you judges got there — be a shame if somebody killed them, and you too, ’cause you didn’t rule the way the Godfather asked you to”) because they are elitists who hate babies and God (and love sodomy).

As usual, liberals are in a snit over DeLay�€™s attempt to stop their only remaining form of obstructing the will of the American people�€”relying on un-elected judges to legislate liberalism from the bench.

[…]

As long as the Left can depend on judges to preserve abortion, create sodomy and gay marriage laws from state Constitutions that mention neither sodomy nor gay marriage, and remove God from American life, who needs Congress or the Oval Office?

A popular wingnut theme lately is, “Congress should just take over the judiciary branch, since the judges we have now think the Constitution said something about a right to sodomy; yeah, we just want to go by what the Constitution says, checks and balances be damned!”

But this is the part of Matthew’s column that I found especially thought provoking:

Ted Kennedy went further, warning DeLay about the dangerous practice of using �€œviolent�€� rhetoric, in light of the recent murder of a Georgia judge and the killing of a federal judge�€™s husband and mother in Chicago.

Interestingly, neither of these murders were committed by conservatives�€”the former was killed by a criminal on trial for rape, and the latter by Islamic terrorists�€”ironically, two groups liberals would never allow to be starved to death by the government.

Judge Lefkow’s mother and husband were killed by Islamic terrorists??? Why am I always the last to hear about these things?

Anyway, that concludes this week’s WNS report. I hope you found it helpful, and possibly enlightening — because a wingnut is a terrible thing to waste.