San Francisco evacuation declared pre-emptively
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom ordered the complete evacuation of his city today. In a hastily called press conference at 8 am this morning, he listed an imminent earthquake as the reason, stating: “In recent years, the Reverends Falwell and Robertson have responded to every tragedy in this country with dire warnings about God’s wrath being visited on the sinful, for divorcing, having abortions, being gay and keeping religion separate from government. At first I dismissed them as hucksters out for a quick buck.
“But it struck me recently that they may be onto something, though their targets are misplaced. I recently discovered a FEMA official told a Houston Chronicle reporter early in 2001 that the three most likely catastrophic disasters facing America were a terrorist attack on New York, a major earthquake in San Francisco and a hurricane strike on New Orleans. Since that prediction, two out of three have come to pass in a little more than 4 years.
“Yet despite the dire warnings of these men of the cloth, I realized the divorced and the pro-choice folks and gay people weren’t being struck down. After rooting gays out of the military, it’s the super patriotic, heterosexual men and women sent to die in Iraq. It was the capitalistic ultra-competitive in the World Trade Center who died. And even when Katrina took out New Orleans with all its vice, the main locale - Bourbon street, remained virtually unscathed.
“Last night, it became clear to me that God was punishing the free marketers, the patriots and hawks, burdening the taxpayers with trillion dollar deficits, insurance companies with massive claims and car owners with unaffordable gas prices, and it was clear that all three of the worst scenarios the FEMA official mentioned were bound to happen. God’s making it clear that this is the punishment for all the Americans responsible for making Bush our president.
“Think of it - even Justice Rehnquist was struck down and Justice O’Connor is leaving the court. That only leaves three of the five who awarded him the Presidency, and I’m sure they’re next.
“But to protect the good citizens of San Francisco, I’m ordering most of the city evacuated till November 2008. Only the residents of the Castro District may remain, as it’s clear God will protect them when the earthquake strikes.”
He added: “I doubt the relocation of both of our Republicans will do much good, as God is all-powerful, but we’re hoping he’ll forgive the Independents who thought they were voting for nookie.”
September 9th, 2005 at 6:44 am
Then there’s that bulging magma bubble under Yellowstone, ready to erupt in a supervolcano for the fourth time in two million years (it’s past due!), wiping out our Veep’s nominal home and all those Mormon GOPers in the Rockies. Its massive ash injection into the uppper air would also plunge the earth into a virtual “nuclear winter” for several years. Ah, but those rich gays, with their annual skiing trips, already have the winter sports gear to help them survive! It’s all so clear now!
September 9th, 2005 at 7:19 am
Ok, Kevin, you owe me a monitor, dang it! I just spit coffee all over mine!
