This is a rare cross-post from me because:
a) I’ve been working a hellacious schedule (i.e. it’s 8:15, and I have yet to go to sleep and I have to be at my next job around noon) that leaves precious little time for blogging
b) I posted this on my blog this weekend, and no one reads my blog on weekends anyway.

Trying to keep myself from falling asleep and drooling all over myself at work today, I was flipping mindlessly through my latest Premiere magazine. One ad did catch my eye.

It was a 1/3 page ad for “Diamond Right Hand Rings.” It promised me that “whether a woman is a passionate debater or an outgoing storyteller, incredibly poised or incredibly funny, there’s a Diamond Right Hand Ring to match her personality.”

Well now, that was a challenge that I could not refuse. Those of you who know me, even moderately well, already know why this ad was hilarious to me. For the rest of you, keep reading.

The ad offered me the opportunity to take a Ring personality test at Adiamondisforever.com. So, as soon as I got home tonight, I logged on. Here were the questions I was met with:

It would totally ruin my day if…

1) I got home to find I’d had spinach stuck in my teeth since lunch-time.
2) I misplaced my make-up bag, and had to go a day without it.
3) I didn’t have time to accomplish even half the things I’d planned on.
4) I ran into a friend on a night when I told her I was out of town.

Well, since things like “a juvenile delinquent tried to punch me,” “I can’t afford to put more than $5 worth of gas in my car at a time,” and “I think I’ve lost so much sleep that I may be hallucinating on a regular basis” are not options, I chose #3. Even though I’m pretty sure the unfinished things the test-writer refers to are probably manicures, power-lunches, and cocktail parties. Maybe I was just crabby from being tired, but right off the bat this question made me sort of hate my entire gender. THIS is why I could never be a lesbian. On to the next question.

For a vacation, I am most likely to…

1) Pour over the guidebooks in advance to make the most of each day
2) Go back to my favorite place, where I know I’ll have a lovely time
3) Take off to any place I could get the best last-minute deal
4) Go somewhere fun with great nightlife and even better shopping.

On this one, I was confused from the start, because my brain is no longer able to decode the word “vacation.” But “last-minute” and “deal” sound familiar, so I went with #3 again.

At a dinner-party, I am…

1) The passionate debater, discussing an issue with the person next to me
2) The hostess, making sure that everything goes perfectly
3) The storyteller, always seeking to entertain
4) The listener, soaking in all the interaction and intrigue

That’s an easy one. #1, of course. The only problem is that, typically, the “issue” I’m passionately debating is the evilness of the diamond industry. Oops. This is a bad sign for the rest of this quiz. Things can only go downhill from here.

The best part of love is…

1) When you realize that this could be forever
2) Never knowing what’s going to happen next
3) That first steamy glance across a crowded room
4) When your separate lives click into place together.

Hmmm. This is a bit like asking me “What is Santa Claus’s favorite food?” When the basis of the question is theoretical at best, and fictional at worst, it’s kind of hard to choose the right answer. So, I picked #2, because “never knowing what’s going to happen next” is one of the best qualities of any fictional story.

I’ve found the “Right Man” if he…

1) knows how to make me feel adored
2) Gives me the right amount of space
3) Has a set of goals that are compatible with mine
4) Knows just what to say when I’m feeling frazzled.

Great. More Santa Claus questions. #1 = puke. #2 = Hell, I don’t even know what the right amount of space is! #3 = Seemingly impossible. #4 = Well, no, that would be kind of OK, actually. #4 it is. Next!

If I were a super-hero, my main power would be…

1) Multi-tasking at the speed of light
2) Staying poised no matter what gets thrown in my way
3) Being able to make anybody laugh, guaranteed
4) A dazzling smile that can weaken men’s knees

Um…I want to fly. That’s all. And that’s a pretty standard super-power, so why the hell isn’t it a choice? This is an awful test. But, #3 is the next best thing.

If I won a gift certificate to a clothing store, I’d buy…

1) A few classic, versatile items to fill in the gaps in my wardrobe
2) A gorgeous designer evening dress
3) A sexy top, a hot pair of jeans and a whole lot of lingerie
4) A cool funky bag that goes with everything.

Honestly, I’d probably buy Christmas presents for other people. But since, once again, my choice is not an option, I went with #4.

I love wearing diamonds because…

1) They never go out of style
2) They symbolize love and relationships
3) They sparkle so brightly you can’t take your eyes off them
4) They’re unique, rare, and mysterious

Gee…how about “The profits from my diamond purchase go toward supporting my favorite African warlords“?

Houston, we have a problem. I can’t even fake an answer to this one, because I DON’T love wearing diamonds. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing them, or contributing to the diamond industry in any way. Since the test won’t let me leave the question blank, I just said #1.

According to my score, I am “Clearly Confident“:

Then they offered me a wide array of gaudy ugly-ass rings to match said personality.

But I think their test is a scam. They promised me that there is a Diamond Right Hand Ring to fit every personality. But there doesn’t seem to be a perfect Diamond Right Hand Ring for the “I hate Diamonds” personality. Weird.

As a practicing feminist, I can sort of appreciate the effort to market a “Right Hand Ring” in the first place. They have a slogan that says “My left hand says: I love you. My right hand says: I love me, too.” So, that’s a step in the right direction, I guess.

But here’s the thing. For me, both of my hands say: “ I love myself enough not to need sparkly baubles on either hand to prove my self-worth to anyone, especially myself. I’m a responsible and informed global citizen who doesn’t want to contribute to any of the negative effects diamond mining and sales have on my less-fortunate global neighbors.”

But somehow, I think that’s a trend that’s going to take a lot longer to catch on than the “Diamond Right Hand Ring.”

Oh well. It makes for more fun debate at dinner parties, I suppose.