I know your name. I know your address. I know the names of everyone living with you.

I know where you work. I know what you really think about your employer. I know when you called in sick but really weren’t. I know your medical condition. I know what your doctor thinks of you.

I know your income. I know what income you failed to report. I know who your friends are. I know which ones you pretend to be friends of. I know which of your friends is having an affair, and who they’re sleeping with. I know which family member you quietly despise. I know which Christmas presents you plan to give away.

I know who’s coming to dinner at your place. I know who’s doing well in school. I know what your kid is secretly planning to do next weekend with friends. I know whether your kid is a virgin.

I know what critical things your mate has said about you to a best friend. I know who’s having their period at your house right now. I know who you’re sleeping with.

I know what you read. I know which sites you surf to online. I know what you told your best friend about a certain sexual encounter. I know your political party. I know what you think of the president. I know what groups you meet with. I know who you donate money to.

I know where you shop and what you buy. I know what you fantasize about. I know what recently disappointed you and what life frustrations you’re having. I know what criticism you received from a close family member. I know who you said you wish was dead.

I know your favorite intoxicant. I know whether you’ve ever tried illegal drugs. I know what you said about the officer who gave you your most recent traffic ticket. I know all your thoughts about your government. I know every secret you’ve confided to anyone.

But don’t worry about what I know. Don’t worry about what I think will merit further investigation. Don’t worry that I could mess with your family life, your employment or your reputation.

Trust me. I’m your government. I don’t think you’re a terrorist. But I’m going to keep my eyes and ears on you for another year or two to be sure. I won’t use your criticisms of me against you. I won’t seek revenge for the bad things you’ve said about me.

Trust me. I’m tapping your phone, reading your library records, discussing you with your doctor and employer and the IRS just because I want you to be safe. I’m doing the same to all your neighbors and all your family members.

This is necessary for national security. I don’t need to have anyone oversee what information I’ve gathered or review what I plan to do with that information. You just have to trust me. I’m your secret friend. Would I lie to you?