Following up on the reports of the pending reverse rapture of a divine trinity, I detailed a brief trail of clues that led to the exact date of this occurrence. Unfortunately when I reported it in the comments section Gary Farber directed us to, I got this sad Haloscan reply: “Your comment contains too many links and will not be added.”

A lifetime of sleuthing work thus lost to the ages, I’ll only mention that it involved the unearthing of a vast network of co-conspirators, and you can do your own damn Googling to get at the details.

The first riddle to decipher was why Richie Petrie’s middle name was Rosebud. That was the easy part.

Then, after all the daffy theories about the Fafbloggers’ disappearance and the silly clams different folks hurled about the authenticity of Sir Francis Bacon’s writing, it should now be apparent Sir Francis never sufferred ridiculous mollusks gladly.

Among the critical leads I followed, in chronological order:

April 8th, 2006: The body of Kristen Shepard is unearthed from beneath the endzone of Texas Stadium. Stuffed in her bra is a cryptic note stating ” Hagman is a pencildick. Love, Faf ”

April 12th, 2006: An astronomer at the Brisbane Observatory publishes definitive evidence of a planet-sized object orbiting our sun, beyond the planet of Pluto. The mass is partly composed of tin and is shaped like a somewhat stilted pie. There’s much scientific consternation about the absence of whipped cream.

April 26th, 2006: The mysterious disappearance of the sarsen horseshoe trilithons ten days previous is ended when they’re discovered in Wayne Newton’s dressing room at the Tropicana, even though some questions remain unanswered. Oddly, the Amelia Earhart Dancers turned up there the same day, with less questions.

May 2nd, 2006: In primary returns, Bob Urosevich reports 45,010 votes were tabulated in Cuyahoga County for Assessor of the Empire for a heretofore unknown candidate named Em Lobsterr. (The MSM missed the story completely, but it was noted in the Giblets4Giblets personals of the Toledo Blade.)

May 23rd, 2006: A brick is tossed through the glass of Marcel Marceau’s invisible coffin. Attached is an old obituary with the final paragraph circled by a very rich gravy stain.

May 28th, 2006: After deciphering the clue above, an independent gumshoe discovers an overdue book was placed in a book depository bin in Dallas, Texas on November 22nd, 1963. The book’s title was “Heather has two Pet Goat Daddies” and was last checked out by a mystery borrower named ‘Ricardo Bosshawg Cheney’. The unpaid fine was $911.

May 31st, 2006: Following a Memorial Day weekend at the Port o’ Dubai Gin ‘n’ Tonic Slam, Muammar Qaddafi is downing breakfast at the Hangover Buffet and chokes on a piece of Nigerian Yellowpie. A waitress utilizes the Heimlich Maneuver, restoring Qaddafi’s credibility. Qaddafi then stiffs her for the tip.

Compiling all this, I tried to ascertain when the Fafbloggers might return. Due to the eternal nature of the formula for pi, as well as the impact on time travellers caused by the inclusion or absence of whipped cream, my calculations incorporated a range of variance. I determined midday June 5th or June 8th as their ETA.

But they won’t be answering any questions. That would put them at risk of prosecution for violating Internet Security under the terms of the Crustacean Act. And the rumors about Natalie Maines? Yes, yes, maybe, like a bunny, no, and Crawford is sold to Mexico.