Is America a limp-wristed nancy-boy flouncing about pretentiously, flaunting its taut buttocks to wolf-whistling admirers? Or is it an oiled, muscle-bound weightlifter, laughing heartily and speaking appreciatively of the women it comes in contact with, always with sexual innuendo, occasionally accompanied by a stolen and unwelcome grope?

It’s certainly no longer a puritannical virgin preserving some quaint definition of virtue, nor a shy couple having quiet sex in the missionary position with bedroom doors locked, seeking solely procreation to uphold some Godly decree, as dictated by ancient scribes trying to put the kibosh on everything fun.

One thing is clear: with the revelations yesterday of the sexually harrassing actions towards minors of the now-resigned Congressman, Mark Foley, the entire concept of moral values in this country is about to be put under the telescope and megaphone in a way that hasn’t occurred since Hustler publisher Larry Flynt prevailed against Jerry Falwell, 9-0, before the Supreme Court.

Before it’s over, Lady Liberty will appear for a lap dance, wearing only a G-string, while haughty elected gasbags toss stinkbombs at partisan rivals, making clumsy, irrelevant comparisons of sexual practices that have nothing at all to do with the exploitation of children.

Still, I welcome such a discussion in the bully pulpits of the most pretentious halls of depravity we have in this land, the twin cesspools of superstition and depravity masquerading as places of disciplined reason and discourse: Congress and the White House. The pompous guardians of morality will be loosing their mini-thunderbolts, with all of the maturity of grade-schoolers discussing pee-pees and poo-poos.

The world will get to mock once again the childish concepts of morality that revolve around sex in our country, a land that tosses its weight around the globe in a manner consistent with all previous empires. We leave hundreds of thousands of corpses in our wake, and millions of war refugees, while retaining the right to preach about the superiority of our values, which permit every sin known to history, but recoil at the concept that penises and vaginas yearn for arousal.

Step right up, ladies and gents, the Hypocrisy Circus is back in town. Before it’s over, if you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself pickpocketed by some mouth-breathing, lecherous gargoyle of a clown.

The only advance warning you need to recognize that you’re about to get fleeced will occur when the Bearded Lady and the Moral Dwarf pronounce the entire show is the fault of one William Jefferson Clinton, before whom, no sex outside of God’s blessing ever existed.

Let’s pause for a bit of Congress interruptus

The actual ethical matter before us is much simpler than that. The rights and wrongs that we should be addressing are these:

1) It is wrong for adults to express their sexual desires to minors, to titillate or chase them, verbally or physically.

2) In addition to being ethically wrong, such behaviors are illegal.

3) Illegal actions warrant prosecution.

4) In any workplace, including government offices, personnel supervision systems exist to rein in illegal and inappropriate actions. If the people providing that oversight become aware of such actions by any person in that workplace, it is essential that they respond with disciplinary actions and extra oversight of the offender, to be certain that all others in that workplace remain protected.

That’s the gist of it. That’s all that’s necessary to be explored. And at first glance, it appears that Mark Foley engaged in illegal behavior that likely warrants prosecution, and that the House leaders long aware of Foley’s prior inappropriate behavior failed to act responsibly to assure that Foley’s pool of possible victims - underage Congressional pages - were protected from Foley’s further advances.

If you believe Congress is capable of confining itself to the key particulars in this matter, then hand me a dollar and I’ll sell you three chances to win a stuffed elephant for your sweetie. You look like a winner, so step right up!

The outrage is unanimous

In a rare display of unity, the House voted 410-0, to investigate Foley. This, the same badly divided House that just the day before established the fresh moral precedent to grant the President the right to practice torture on unconvicted detainees. The legal and logical basis for that vote was rooted in unproven theories and unconstitutional denials of legal recourse and judicial oversight.

Moral values, for the majority in this Republican Congress, have nothing to do with established Constitutional law nor global standards of civil justice. Lifetime incarceration and execution are permissible against anyone who might be labelled an enemy by the President. Cybersex with teenagers is not permissible and warrants universal condemnation.

Clearly, the best defense Foley has is to claim he was trying to uncover Comgressional pages he thought were members of terrorist cells.

We return you to the previously scheduled circus

As a devotee to sophomoric whoopie cushion humor, I look forward with glee to the coming flatulence. But I think it important that we all write our representatives to establish the parameters of all the farting and harrumphing and indignant partisan reminders that there’s few among the 435 House members who deserve any sex at all.

For starters, I ask for these five boundaries:

a) As we all are well aware, Bill Clinton caused Mark Foley to break the law. Ever since his affair with Monica Lewinsky was exposed, sex has occurred in America and God’s seriously pissed at that. We already have heard most of the details of that. We all understand that Republicans were willing to spend 40 or 60 million dollars for that porno peep show, the most expensive procurement of stiffies in human history.

There’s only two unknown details I hope Congress can confine itself to. Since Hillary never had an affair, held no office till after Bill’s career ended, has been a good mother, and has never been prosecuted for any law violation, why are her negative ratings worse than Bill’s ? Would Republicans find her more appealling if she was under 18?

Also: why would anyone who enjoys the finer things in life waste the rare beauty of a perfectly good cigar on a pelvic exam?

b) Spare us the sedentary detail of the long list of Presidents who have had sex premarital and extramarital. Even though it’d break rare ground to have an expose of the rare ones who had sex within their marriages, let’s skip that one, too. Spare us the mental images of Chester Arthur and Richard Nixon doing the doinky boink that would haunt us all to the ends of our days.

c) Let’s skip Barney Frank, Daniel Crane and Gerry Studds, too. Everyone can see that ‘coming’, along with The Arnold, Gary Hart, Wilbur Mills, the Kennedys and how Nelson Rockefeller died. That’s for historians and we all hate history.

Congressional investigations are supposed to uncover new stuff. So if there’s something you can tell us about Spiro Agnew, Dan Quayle or Al Gore, go ahead. We’ve all dismissed the possibility that any Vice-Presidents have ever had sex, so any evidence to the contrary would break new ground. Just stop with Gore, please. We don’t need to be reminded that Dick Cheney’s zygote could reproduce.

d) By all means, examine the sexual proclivities of rightist Republican Presidents and the men in their White Houses. Tell us all about Craig Spence and Lawrence ‘Larry’ King and Johnny Gosch. And Henry Vinson and his Dream Boy service. And certainly, dig out all the dirt on James Guckert/Jeff Gannon.

And in Congress, tell us of David Dreier. And Ed Schrock.

e) After the discussion of why rightist politicians in the most powerful executive branch of the world’s greatest superpower seem to have a penchant for sex with minors, and enjoy the company of prostitutes, I think it’s time we examine any other sexual proclivities they might have. Like, who are the doms and submissives? The S/M bulldogs? Who are the cross-dressers? Who calls who ‘daddy’?

Conclusion

While I recognize there’s this trifling matter of elections five weeks off, so much of that’s grown tired and repetitious. How many umpteen Republicans were part of the corruption circle led by Abramoff and DeLay? (Yawn.) How many Republicans are eager sissies for their corporate daddies? (Bigger yawn.) Sure, go ahead, dig out the one or two bribe-sucking Democrats in the country to balance out the dozens of tainted Republicans.

But let’s maintain more attention on pedophilia and sex. It’s always much more interesting to hear how somebody besides us got screwed by politicians. And there’s a far better selection of jokes available that begin with “Two Republicans walked into a daycare center…”

This investigation couldn’t come at a better time than in the middle of a snoozefest of a campaign, with all its attendant formulaic attack ads. It’s especially important that we all understand what ‘Republican values’ mean. Is there something they value more than the scent of cheap perfume, the sight of testicles undescended, the gaily undecorated locker room balls, or the taste of the free samples at the chocolate factory?

It’s not enough to point out how much they love torture. We want to know who’s wearing the stilletto pumps and cracking the whips.