There’s been a lot of arguments about wars lately. What to call them and what other wars they’re like keep us entertained in these modern days, replacing the quaint old discussions of how to win one or why one should start one.

Here’s a handy guide for this popular pursuit. After just one reading, you should be able to impress your friends and persuade US intelligence directors to twist their findings to support any crackpot ideology, even those composed by substance abusers going through delirium tremors.

Q: We keep hearing reports that White House officials think the War on Iraq can’t be won because its current government is too weak. And that we need to send in more troops and provide more advice to make the war winnable again. Is that true?

A: Wars can’t be won by discussions of unsubstantiated facts and leaked truths. So we still expect to defeat Saddam Hussein and help Iraqis gain a democratically elected government and then we can will have won.

Q: When is a violent conflict between opposing armies not really a war?

A: When it’s merely a police action. We lost 58,000 troops in the last one, as their police were acting a lot, apparently. At the conclusion, nobody stood up and said “Guess what? We fooled you! It really was a war!” It’s a good thing, too, because we sure would have been embarrassed. It was bad enough to be embarrassed for believing General William Westmoreland’s estimate that we had successfully killed elebenty billion kazillion Vietnamese people in the first 43 minutes of that war police action.

Q: Is the War on Iraq like the Vietnam Police Action?

A: No way. In Vietnam, there were Commies with dominoes. In Iraq, there’s terrorists with WMDs and IEDs. The first was a jungle; this one’s a desert. In Vietnam, a democratic election would have let Ho Chi Minh become President. In Iraq, a democratic election permitted Bush to get elected. Hippie peaceniks surrendered our country to the Viet Cong in the police action. The Patriot Act specifically outlaws the wearing of bellbottoms and tie dyes in Iraq. John McCain refused to sell out his fellow troops in Vietnam and was tortured for that. In Iraq, he’s permitted torture and sold out the new generation of troops so they can enjoy the longterm benefits he obtained from that torture thing.

Q: Why is Iraq not really being rendered by a civil war?

A: Nobody’s wearing gray uniforms or whistling ‘Dixie’ in Iraq.

Q: In Vietnam, we tried to get the South Vietnamese to stand up so we could stand down. Now we’re trying to get the Iraqis to stand up so we can stand down. Are you sure there’s really a difference between the two?

A: Sure. Because Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Henry Kissinger, Colin Powell, and John McCain have always been perfectly clear about that and nobody’s ever been able to discredit their record of accuracy on these kind of things.

Q: The majority of Americans want us to get our troops out of Iraq. The majority of Iraqis want our troops out of Iraq, too. Shouldn’t our president respond to the will of those majorities?

A: No, because he thinks it’s more important to establish a democracy in Iraq, so the popular majority can decide these things without being overruled by a strongman ruler who approves the torture and deaths of thousands of Iraqis.

Q: We were told if the Democrats win back Congress, then the terrorists would win in Iraq. Now that the Democrats won back Congress, have the terrorists won?

A: No. Ever since Donald Rumsfeld retired, we’ve been able to see things more clearly, reassess our strategy, consult with a bipartisan study group, make strategic adjustments accordingly, mock Nancy Pelosi for lacking testicles, retain a Republican Congress through December, and have settled on a certain strategy for victory when our mission has been completed.

Q: And that mission is?

A: Staying the course through December, then if the Democrats overthrow Congress and let the terrorists win, we intend to spend two years saying “Neener-neener, we told you so.” After which, we’ll blame it all on the dumb Iraqis, because victimizing victims has always been a winning strategy.