As a purgative.

It seems futile anymore to deconstruct such a mass of flawed logic and misleading bullshit. But someone’s gotta translate:

Together, we have a chance to serve the American people by solving the complex problems that many don’t expect us to tackle, let alone solve, in the partisan environment of today’s Washington. To do that, however, we can’t play politics as usual. Democrats will control the House and Senate, and therefore we share the responsibility for what we achieve.

Translation: For anything the Democratic Congress passes that people really like, I’m taking credit, too.

My principles are no secret. I have campaigned on them in my races for governor and in two presidential contests, and I have worked hard during my presidency to translate these principles into sound policy.

Translation: I’m never getting into that nation-building stuff. Now watch my compassion.

I believe that when America is willing to use her influence abroad, the American people are safer and the world is more secure.

Translation: And the most influential new bomb I’ll unleash to prove my point is the ‘clusterfuck.’

I believe government plays an important role in helping those who can’t help themselves. Yet we must always remember that when people are hurting, they need a caring person, not a government bureaucracy.

Translation: Mother Theresa failed to come through for New Orleans, Biloxi and Gulfport. I run the Department of Kiss-My-Grits.

Our priorities begin with defeating the terrorists who killed thousands of innocent Americans on September 11, 2001–and who are working hard to attack us again. These terrorists are part of a broader extremist movement that is now doing everything it can to defeat us in Iraq.

Translation: Millions of Iraqis rising in resistance to occupation forces, torture, and a failing infrastructure is just like a few thousand Saudi Arabians, Yemenis, Egyptians, Pakistanis and Afghanis plotting to fly planes into New York City buildings. They all look the same to me.

In the days ahead, I will be addressing our nation about a new strategy to help the Iraqi people gain control of the security situation and hasten the day when the Iraqi government gains full control over its affairs. Ultimately, Iraqis must resolve the most pressing issues facing them. We can’t do it for them.

Translation: Trust me. This car has only had a single owner. Who drove it off short cliffs repeatedly. But I’ve fixed the steering.

America’s priorities also include keeping our economy strong. The elections have not reversed the laws of economics. It is a fact that economies do best when you reward hard work by allowing people to keep more of what they have earned. And we have seen that businesses can expand and hire more workers when they have more money to invest–and since August 2003, America’s employers have added more than seven million new jobs.

Translation: That makes up for the millions of jobs lost in the first two and a half years of my presidency, doesn’t it?

It is also a fact that our tax cuts have fueled robust economic growth and record revenues. Because revenues have grown and we’ve done a better job of holding the line on domestic spending, we met our goal of cutting the deficit in half three years ahead of schedule. By continuing these policies, we can balance the federal budget by 2012 while funding our priorities and making the tax cuts permanent. In early February, I will submit a budget that does exactly that. The bottom line is tax relief and spending restraint are good for the American worker, good for the American taxpayer, and good for the federal budget. Now is not the time to raise taxes on the American people.

Translation: If you make less than $500,000 per year, you lazy fuck, grab your ankles; I’m bringing the Wesson Oil. And by golly, this time, you’ll like it.

By balancing the budget through pro-growth economic policies and spending restraint, we are better positioned to tackle the longer term fiscal challenge facing our country: reforming entitlements–Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid–so future generations can benefit from these vital programs without bankrupting our country.

Translation: Forty years ahead on the yellow brick road, I see a little spill of red ink. But don’t worry. I have a plan to keep your soylent green.

Because, we can’t trust anyone in the next ten presidential terms to protect you as well as I can.

One important message I took away from the election is that people want to end the secretive process by which Washington insiders are able to slip into legislation billions of dollars of pork-barrel projects that have never been reviewed or voted on by Congress. I’m glad Senator Robert Byrd and Congressman Dave Obey–the Democrats who will lead the appropriations process in the new Congress–heard that message, too, and have indicated they will refrain from including additional earmarks in the continuing resolution for this fiscal year.

Translation: Record deficits? Bridge to nowhere? No-bid contracts? Cronyism? Pharmaceutical giveaways? Cunningham, Abramoff and Delay? All the fault of two Democrats. Which I blame as part of my new way forward in non-partisanship.

It’s time Congress give the president a line-item veto. And today I will announce my own proposal to end this dead-of-the-night process and substantially cut the earmarks passed each year.

Translation: After six years of searching for my veto pen, I finally found it. Just in time to stop the Democrats you elected from spending anything on extravagances like food, medicine, clean air and water, or a college education.

Our Founders believed in the wisdom of the American people to choose their leaders and provided for the concept of divided and effective government. The majority party in Congress gets to pass the bills it wants. The minority party, especially where the margins are close, has a strong say in the form bills take. And the Constitution leaves it to the president to use his judgment whether they should be signed into law.

That gives us a clear challenge and an opportunity. If the Congress chooses to pass bills that are simply political statements, they will have chosen stalemate. If a different approach is taken, the next two years can be fruitful ones for our nation. We can show the American people that Republicans and Democrats can come together to find ways to help make America a more secure, prosperous and hopeful society.

Translation: Who’s your Daddy?

Mr. Bush is the president of the United States.

Translation: In case you’re too dumb to remember. This has been a public service announcement from Mothers Against Drunk Voting. And your long national hangover continues, bitches.