[A Day Late And A Dollar Short post from the Funny Farm]

[Emphasis of all kinds and / or off color commentary courtesy of the Funny Farm Editorial Staff]

President Bush Stamps His Feet And Gets All Pouty-Faced While He Discusses Resignation of Latest White House Toady To Get Caught Abu Gonzales
TSTC Airport, the Western White House Mobile Press Ops, Waco, Texas
For Immediate Release and subsequent exposure and ridicule by Your Humble Narrator 2 Falltring 2007 - loosely based on the original from the Office of the Press Secretary August 27, 2007

10:50 A.M. CrawfordDesperationTime

The Lame Duck Chickenhawk Drunken Deserter During Wartime pResident: In a telephone call to me last Friday afternoon This morning, lying weasel Abu Gonzales announced that he can no longer lie to Congress with a straight face, and so will leave the Department of inJustice, after two and a half years of obfuscating the high crimes and misdemeanors of the current junta service to the Republican’t Party department. Al Gonzales is a man of integrity (cough), decency (cough) (cough) and the principle of using federal government resources for partisan Republican’t political purposes. And I have reluctantly accepted that I’m not gonna get away with this one any more, so I am forced to accept his resignation, with great appreciation for the service that he has provided for the BFEE our country.

As a lying weasel who never fulfilled the duties of the Attorney General and before that, as my personal sycophant White House counsel, Fredo Gonzales has played a role in shaping our policies of terrorizing our own citizens while obstensibly fighting in the war on terror, and has worked tirelessly to turn me into a God-Emporer make this country safer. The ironically named Patriot Act which restricts and removes personal freedoms from ordinary citizens, the Military Commissions Act constructing weasel word arguments to justify american soldiers torturing “enemy combatants” in military black ops and other important distortions and abuses of the laws bear his imprint. Under his lack of leadership, the Justice Department has made a priority of removing competent career civil servants in favor of Republican’t ideologues while making a show of protecting children from Internet predators, and made government database files, phone logs, and communications interception and analysis of american citizens as a part of enforcement of civil rights laws a top priority. He aggressively and successfully pursued public corruption of Democrats, while ignoring the much greater wholesale Republican’t abuse of government funds and ineffectively combated gang violence.

Almost as soon as I got him into office he played an important role in helping to confirm two fine jurists in Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Samuel Alito before their partisan political Reich wingnut philosophies became generally known. He did an outstanding job preventing Republican’t lawbreakers from being brought to justice as White House Counsel, identifying and recommending the most rabidly politically partisan Republican’ts who could spell ‘law’, and sold them as the best nominees to fill critically important federal court vacancies,orchestrating an unprecedented replacement of their own choices for U.S. Attorney just after Republican’ts lost control of every branch of the government.

Abu Gonzales’s tenure as my personal toady Attorney General and White House Counsel is only part of a long history of legally budious endeavors that Fredo has helped me with over the years.

These various positions have required sacrifice from Abu and his perfectly normal traditional family, and I thank them for putting up with my continual abuse of their daddy while taking lots of cake for their service to my imperial reign in Texas and Greater Texas the country.

After months of unfair treatment, special privileges, and being allowed to lie to Congress while under oath in Congressional hearings that has created a harmful distraction at the Justice Department to the PNAC plan for Pax Americana, Judge (cough) Gonzales decided to resign his position, and I accept his decision. It’s sad that we live in a time when all of my lying partisan hackery over the last six and a half years, aided and abetted by a talented ambulance chaser and dishonorable person like Abu Gonzales is impeded from running roughshod over american citizen’s rights doing important work because his good (cough) (cough) name and his nefarious deeds was drug through the mud for political reasons other than those which I choose to engage in while abusing the machinery of the federal government until they kick my sorry a$$ out.

I’ve asked another Republican’t Kool Aide drinker, who I have currently installed as Solicitor General, Paul Clement, to serve as DistrActing Attorney General upon Abu Gonzales’s departure and until another partisan political operative that I will try to make the nominee has been confirmed by the Senate. He’s agreed to do so, or at least he will, once he finds out. Paul is one of the finest Republican’t lawyers in America. As Solicitor General, I sincerely hope you believe that Paul has developed a reputation for excellence (cough) and fairness (cough)(cough), and earned the respect and confidence of the entire Justice Department.

This ends our latest Chimperial proclamation. There will be no response to questions at this time. Thank you.

End 10:54 A.M. CrazedDisasterTyrant

Y’know, the Petulant One might just be upset that his vacationeering got disturbed. Besides seeming somewhat testy at being thwarted from getting what he wants while having to cut his vacationing short. Again. And you know what a disaster it was last time!

Editors’ Note: this entry has been cross-posted at the Funny Farm]