As Bob Somerby points out, in big words with lots of research, well-selected examples, pertinent analogies and not so bad prosaic quality, Hardball is throwing wild beanballs at Democratic candidates, then moving up close and tossing underhand, girl-style, to the GOP candidates and telling them when to swing. And it’s no fair.

I think we should tell Chris Matthews’ Mom and taunt him for being so faggy and give Bobby Novak and Wally Robinson and Mikey Crowley extra strength wedgies then take their lunch money because they’re such blowboys, still.

I think I’m starting to notice, however, that even when we catch them playing with their Barbie dolls while wearing lacy underthings, they don’t even seem to mind. Even when we announce how teeny their penii are, they don’t even reply or seem to care. Could they really be that drunk from huffing Bushfarts? Yep.

So I can’t think of any new way to make them sorry for being such weenyheads. Can you? Pooping in their penny loafers doesn’t work, even when I had diarrhea. Can’t we just kill them or something, emasculate them and shove their withered Wiffleballs up their noses till they gag uncontrollably, turn blue and asphyxiate slowly, while reminding them their Mommies are skanky whores with syphilis and cooties?

And look over there! Hillary’s mocking Barack and calling him immature! Boy, if I were him, I’d be so pissed I’d be telling her she has thick legs. And Georgie and Laurie Bush keep defending her because they want her to win the primaries. Even though they know she’ll lose against any old Republican because her thick legs killed Vinnie Foster and had relations with a Tiparillo.

But a Billionairess is going to campaign for Barack, which has to count for something, and , no, it’s just a coincidence that they both look the same, except their wallets and height and hair length and gender and age. I know I’m impressed, even though I never watch Oprah, because during daytime TV, I can usually find someone else to look at online while touching myself. But I’m sure most voters will vote however their favorite billionaires tell them to.

And Hillary said she privately and publicly supported Georgie, even though he’s become such a big dickhead. And she plans to serve everyone because we’re all centrists, and she’ll support military gays if they try not to leer too much at the homophobic straight guys who only want girls to see their privates. Which convinced some Air Force Major from the gay capital of Iowa to vote for Huckabee or McCain.

I know you must be as excited as I am to see all the media and political grownups acting so responsible about this important electioning stuff. But wait!

Over there, I can see even more!

Kerry supporters say Mr. Edwards refused to play the traditional vice-presidential role of attack dog even going up against a purebred, Dick Cheney.

Are they kidding??!!?? I mean, anyone can tell Cheney’s more of a mongrel, like a cross between a St. Bernard with bad mange and a hyena with rabies, after ingesting toy poodles and cute little dachsund puppies and cat poop. But instead of the media challenging that, they have another important story: Another Senator’s aides don’t like Johnny:

Having seen up close the perils of seeming to shift with the wind, he is selling himself as the candidate of “conviction” and “bold ideas” and trying to portray the front-runner, Hillary Rodham Clinton, as tacking for political gain. Once the sunny centrist who did not want to criticize his rivals by name, Mr. Edwards has become the most confrontational candidate in the race. And he has courted his party’s left wing by renouncing his vote on the war, something he counseled Mr. Kerry not to do.

“There’s no question John Edwards is different now than he was in 2004,” said Peter Scher, whom Mr. Kerry recruited to run Mr. Edwards’s vice-presidential campaign. “There’s a great deal more confidence in his own instincts and his own judgment. You see much less reliance on consultants and pollsters and media advisers, and more of a willingness to say what he believes and let the chips fall where they may.”

Kerry loyalists, meanwhile, seethe as they watch his new aggressiveness. Stephanie Cutter, who was Mr. Kerry’s communications director, said, “A lot of what I’m seeing now, I wish I’d seen in 2004.”

Mr. Edwards defends his change in tone, calling it the result of “a maturing process.”

See? He’s mature, too. And he and Kerry and Hillary and Barack know they can try and talk about boring stuff like issues but it’s better to just keep answering questions all the media spokesmen ask them, because they are real journamalists and sure know these are important things that voters really, really, really care about.

Ten thousand nuclear warheads, two active wars and trillions of dollars to spend on stuff: we sure are fortunate that our media helps us focus on the important matters all over again, so somebody responsible can win and make us all happy like the last few times. And if you don’t like it all, what are you going to do about it? I mean, you’re obviously incapable of seeing the Big Picture and are fringies suffering from dementia and drooling on yourself.

See, you need to be mature, but not that over-ripe. I wish you’d be more serious, or we’re all going to die.