As a devoted reader of conservative blogs, I can tell you that “global” “warming” is nothing more than a liberal conspiracy to promote carpooling, mandate vegetarianism, and criminalize heterosexuality. Reputable scientists have long determined that any increase in greenhouse gas is the natural result of the methane hippies expel from eating all that tempeh, and the so called “thinning” of the “polar ice cap” is just a hoax being played on a gullible public by Greenpeace activists with their blowdryers. Even the dyed in the wool reds of Czechoslovakia (sure, they may have changed their name, but they’re not fooling anybody) have seen through this pathetic charade and are calling that fat-ass Al Gore on his BS. Perhaps they were emboldened by a recent viewing of Red Dawn, but I am happy to report that a group of Freedom-lovers in our own country have grown a pair and are demonstrating similar Moral clarity:

Thousands of Americans are pledging to fire up their charcoal barbecue grills, bask in the infinite glow of numerous incandescent light bulbs, shun recycling of any kind and take spontaneous road trips in gas-guzzling vehicles to increase their personal carbon output – all in protest of the Senate debate over a bill calling for a “cap-and-trade” system.

Grassfire, one of the nation’s fastest-growing grassroots organizations, has declared June 12 Carbon Belch Day and is enlisting citizens to expel more than 100 million pounds of CO2 to combat climate alarmist propaganda and to take a stand against a “$1.2 trillion carbon tax.”

For too long America’s patriots have been hamstrung in fighting the fight against global warming. The solution? Amazingly, it’s to keep on doing what you’re already doing. There’s even a helpful list of activities you can partake in. Civil disobedience was never so much fun, or so delicious!

Super-cool your house (turn A/C down 5 degrees)
Don’t recycle glass/plastic/aluminum/newspapers for one day
Take a plane trip
Eat meat with at least two meals (steak dinner a bonus)
Mow your lawn with gas-powered mower
Leave two light bulbs on for entire day
Hang/light one string of Christmas lights
Host a barbecue with lots of friends – charcoal (11lbs/hr) or gas (5.6lbs/hr)
Drink beer
Watch television
Light a campfire
Do partial load of laundry
Take an 8-minute shower
Leave computer on 24 hours
Drink bottled water

It’s like the Boston Tea Party, but with the option of not having to leave your home.

Sister Nancy Beth wishes all the world’s problems could be solved in such a straightforward manner, and as I meditated upon it, it occurred to me: maybe they can. World hunger? Have another steak. Global AIDS crisis? Watch some television. I can’t help but think that the past eight years of Republican rule have ushered us into a new state of consciousness. This is the dawning of the age of arteriosclerosis, Christians, so I suggest we make the most of it. Praise Him!