Blame it all on Barack Saddam Bin Laden. It’s gotta be his fault, right? I mean, how dare he choose to have a white Momma! And who gave him the power to be America’s first Christian Muslim Black Panther Haole Kenyan-Kansan? I knew things would get all confusing when them people insisted we stop calling them ‘the coloreds’ and started using the same drinking fountains as all of us normal white pinkish people. I mean, the nerve of some people!

If you’re wond’rin’ what all my fussin’s about, it’s simple: everything. Everything about our rights under the old way which isn’t the new way no more. And it’s got to be Barack behind all of it and if not, I’m guessin’ it’s Jesse Jackson. Probably Michael Jackson, too, since he was the first colored to go white on us. Then he had the audacity to moonwalk right on this here Earth. Did you ever?!!?

Today we were told that we no longer are entitled to privacy because of some of those weird Bipartisans (and don’t go telling me they were born that way. Us straight people knows it’s a choice to swing both o’ them ways.)

This means the telephone companies can listen in on our phone sex and secret family recipes and our conversations with our lawyers and bookies. And it really makes me feel all creepy knowing that when Junior’s flirting with that nubile Jenny Lou next door with them perky ta-tas, there’s some goverment spy or AT&T CEO with a big old woody rubbing hisself. It useta be they had to do that privately with the Sears & Roebuck bra and girdle section like every decent church-going married fella had to do. And who gave up that privacy right?

If it wasn’t that young buck, Barack, it was probably Hillary, because everytime something changes all them reliable news fellers complain that one o’ them couldn’t leave well enough alone. And admit it: wasn’t everything better when June Cleaver stayed home and cooked in her high heels and Lassie was barking out warnings to Timmy and Superman was saving Lois from some arch-villain while Dad only got to be Dad from 5:30 till 9 o’clock bedtime and Shhhhhhhhh, don’t make noise when Huntley & Brinkley are on?

I don’t call that change I can believe in. And looky here, it’s all Barack Osama’s fault again, read it with your own two eyes. One hunnert an’ five Democrats voted to take away our privacy and if Barack had just spoken up, he coulda convinced at least 82 of them not to because 23 would not make a majority but 24 would. Damn him all to hell!

And don’t be sayin’ it’s the fault of the 188 Republicans because they was just bein’ considerate to their president which is common courtesy in my neck o’ the woods among God-fearin’ folk and brainless zombies, so long as they promise not to touch the 2nd Amendment or our right to choose which Baptist church to attend.

And then there’s all them blogging liberals trying to take away the right for the free press to charge what it wants for every last syllable. I mean those old boys had to pay and study to get their journiminimalism degrees so how dare anyone fringe on their right to tell us what’s up? Did the Constitution say one word about WordPress? I think not, thankyewverymuch.

I think we still have a right to dissemble some and speech is free still unless you’re making a 1-900 call. Gasoline’s no longer free but it’d be a whole lot cheaper if them liberals would just STFU and let Exxon drill everything everywhere God hid America’s oil in the world. I don’t know about you, but my Bible doesn’t say nuthin’ about letting Bayjing Buddhists and New Deli Ninjas take our oil and make us pay four damn bucks to run the John Deere.

So now, with so many rights gone, does anyone anywhere have more than four?

Sure enough, that there Cheney fella does, because he doesn’t belong to any branch of goverment. He comes from that solid pioneer stock that doesn’t allow branches in its family tree. And get a load of that funny-lookin’ Wa-Wa Waxman feller whinin that there’s no time to take away Cheney’s rights. Who does he think he’s kidding? There was plenty of time since November-ought-six, but them liberal Demitasse repperzentatives knew that Cheney was packing heat so they said ‘kumbaya, Mister Vice President, go in peace and kindly aim that thing at some other lawyer.’

Which just goes to show ya that the new Bill of Four Rights is all anybody needs. Be a good Baptist, respect the AP, dissemble when you want and never give up your gun. Them other rights is just for liberal pussies to whine about and if you lissen to them, why soon you’ll be speakin’ Mexican homobonics and strapping on suicide girdles, just like Iraq Osama and all them lily-livered Demitasse Partyers who wouldn’t know what to do with a real Bush even if it was sitting right on their face.