So another politician had a long-running affair and when it was about to be exposed by a newspaper, he called an impromptu press conference and ‘fessed up.

Big effing deal. Not only does the threatened exposure weaken his confession, it’s really about private lives and has no bearing on me at all.

And he really made quite a tawdry show of it, if you’re into soap operas, which I’m not. Yet I came away with several impressions of the event that I do think rate a mention beyond the standard media reports.

Amid his laundry list of apologies, he left out several important ones, like an apology:

a) to the literate, for all the spelling errors made in his emails to his lover and by her to him. Of course, ‘eamil’ instead of ‘email’ is likely just a typo. But ‘Unbeleivably’ is a direct violation of ‘i before e’. Apostrophes are used to replace letters, so I’am should have been ‘I’m’ or, being true to your Southern roots, ‘Ah’m’.

Seaview is two words and indepth is two, hyphenated. ‘Realized’ should have been ‘realize’ and ‘realy’ should be ‘really.’ And ‘embrassing’ was just embarrassing to read. I believe ‘trassmitted’ was supposed to be ‘transmitted.’ ‘Lightening’ is spelled ‘lightning.’ And it’s a ‘whirlwind’ tour, not a ‘world wind’ one.

There’s way more than those, but it’d be depressing to go on.

b) to the sexually non-repressed, for referencing things in unclear terms. I don’t even want to consider what you were thinking of when you wrote “I am most jealous of your salad under the palm tree.”

And you really mixed metaphors by stating ‘you already had a full tank of love in the emotional bank account.’ Or do you normally put gas in your bank?

And no Hollywood screenwriter would be forgiven if he added cheesy dialogue like “I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light — but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner — and unlike you I would never do that!”

Geeze Louise! Two magnificent parts? They’re called ‘breasts’, Mark. Roll the word around your tongue. It’s not magnificent to avoid descriptive language that defines body parts. It’s kind of middle school, don’t you think?

c) to the morons of the world, you really need to apologize as they all know that email isn’t really private, as you’ve now discovered. Wasn’t life simpler when we all had phones and could say these things directly without copies available for the whole world to see? When dumb people rise into high professions without figuring out this easy stuff, it makes me question the whole pecking order. It seems rife with dumb clucks at every level.

d) And no, I won’t ever forgive any political adulterer who’s been a public rebuker of any other adulterer or a rebuker of people who love people of like gender. Unless they apologize to the whole Clinton family, to all GLBT people and to every American who had to witness and pay for the travesty of an impeachment trial, or have been influenced to believe that gay people are morally wrong to act with love.

In the past 8 years, we’ve seen at least a dozen of these adulterous politicians. Some gave up chairmanships but almost none resigned from their elective offices like they insisted Bill Clinton should do.

Apologize and admit you were wrong to harass and judge them and GLBT people. Or your request for forgiveness rings too hollow to even be considered.

Finally, if you’re going to quote the Bible about what love is, please stop and consider what true love really is, beyond what the Scripture suggests. Love done in secret is actually lust. Real love is done openly, free and doesn’t have any need to hide behind lies.

People can end a relationship or marriage if they find themselves in love with another. When they try to maintain both relationships and one requires skulking, well that’s always going to hurt and betray someone. Grant the former love a clean break and skip the dilly-dally till that first relationship is complete. That’s being considerate and unselfish. It’s not so hard to figure out. The first clue comes when you find yourself lying and/or skulking.

Now, can we get back to something interesting? Your penis is yours and I don’t really care what you do with it.

UPDATE: One of the ongoing questions the mainstream press still has about Mark Sanford’s secret hottie is what he was referring to as the ‘two magnificent parts of yourself’ that she was holding ‘in the faded glow of night’s light.’

In an American Street exclusive, I’ve uncovered video evidence that defines her er, um…. ‘holdings’ precisely.

.

.

Mystery solved. It was her moonbeams.